Limb Difference Awareness Month || What’s Really Wrong

I’ve often said that when Lamp was born I was given a new set of eyes and that I never saw the world the same way again. That is both true and misleading. My new eyes, much like a newborn’s, took time to adjust. I didn’t just suddenly see everything clearly, it was a process. It still is a process. The love I had for Lamp was immediate, as was my desire to protect her and to help others to see, as I now did, that she was not a “burden” and that she was worthy of friendship, love, acceptance and inclusion just like the rest of us.

And right there, I give myself away. Why would I feel the need to point out that she deserved acceptance if I hadn’t known in my heart of hearts that I had never considered a disabled person as my equal? Ever. People with disabilities were to be avoided or they were there for my inspiration. And when my daughter was born I knew I had to confront an ugly truth. I was deeply, deeply prejudice.

And I knew it wasn’t just me–it was most people I knew. Society had a collective problem I was just beginning to understand called ableism. Disability was either sad or heroic. If someone I knew gave birth to a child with a disability, that was sad. And if I saw a disabled person doing something “normal” like going to college or having a job, that was heroic. Look at them and their positive attitudes in the face of daily adversity. Little did I know that my viewpoint of them was likely their biggest “daily adversity.”

As I started to uncover these layers within me–ingrained in most of society–I just kept writing, spotlighting and sharing. I never felt angry at children for their lack of understanding when it came to seeing Lamp for the first time–it’s not their fault, I thought. Of course they don’t know any better. Of course they’re curious.

Until one day, I woke up and the truth smacked me in the face. It might not be the children’s fault but it sure as hell is someone’s fault. It was societies fault. All of us were complicit and I can’t believe I had never noticed before. My daughter is different from most, but certainly not an anomaly. After she was born I started seeing people with limb differences everywhere: A little boy down the street from us. Two kids in one day at a local shopping center. A mother who from the same preschool we went to.

People with disabilities were everywhere!
And yet, no where. Not on our TV screens. Not in our advertisements. Not in our magazines. Not in our Disney movies. And not in our children’s books.

Perhaps this intentional scrubbing of disabled bodies from the world around us (except if it means winning an Oscar) had something to do with my prejudice, and the ignorance of generation after generation of children growing up with little to no exposure of disability as a positive, normal part of life. I wrote the following post in April of 2017. This remains one of the best pieces I’ve written and this piece was also the catalyst for getting my book, When Charley Met Emma, published. You’ll see mention of my yet-to-be-published book in the bottom of this post. It was a woman named Rachel, a reader of my blog and a special needs mom herself, who read this post and offered to submit my manuscript to the “higher-ups” at the publishing company she worked for. The rest is history.

Happy Friday. Thanks for reading.
XO,
M

*****

What’s wrong with you?

What’s wrong with you?

What’s wrong with you?

Staring. Staring. Pointing. Whispering.

What’s wrong with you?

Imagine being asked that question on a semi-regular basis. Now, imagine being asked that question on a semi-regular basis, by complete strangers. Finally, imagine being asked that question on a semi-regular basis, by complete strangers, and you’re only 6 years old.

What does that do to a kid? What does that do to a person over a lifetime?

I don’t know, but it’s been on my mind a lot lately. I’m not just worried about what that does to a kid or a person… I’m worried about what it will do to my kid, my person. Because this is my daughter’s reality.

Over the years I’ve shared our journey of fear to love and I’ve tried to talk really positively about disability, because I feel really positive about disability. While I agree that disability can still be a complicated issue–I certainly would have a hard time if I lost an arm or the ability to walk and some families do struggle more under the weight of caretaking and the medical costs–I no longer view disability as inherently negative, and I certainly no longer see disability as an inferior condition in the human experience. A person in a wheelchair in not inherently inferior to a person who can walk. A person with intellectual disabilities is not inherently inferior to a person with a higher IQ. From day one I have always tried to communicate the love, the humanity and even the normalcy of disability because disability is normal part of life.

But sometimes I fear that I’ve sugar coated it. Specifically, I fear that I’ve sugar coated what it’s like to have a child with a disability in a world where disability is rarely represented and if it is, it is most often seen as inferior, sad, undesirable, and wrong.

*****

It occurred to me recently that my identity as mom is most often preempted with special needs mom. I am a “regular” mom too but in the context of motherhood, I can never seem to shake the “special needs” prefix. Do I care more about being a special needs mom than a regular mom? Does everything that comes out of my mouth have to be about disability or special needs? Why is this badge of special needs parenting so important for me to wear all the time?

I sat on these questions for a few days recently.

And during this time we went somewhere as a family and there was a little boy who started saying things about Lamp that were rude-ish. I don’t remember seeing his family anywhere, and in fact I barely remember this situation. It’s all blurry around the edges because I’ve dealt with it a hundred times before. (Note: I was going to say a million times, but then I thought “I don’t want to exaggerate.” So I said a hundred times and now I’ve underestimated.) But once again I had to educate this young boy while at the same time protecting my daughter’s feelings and sense of self.

As soon as that exchange was over I immediately thought to myself, Right. That’s why.

Motherhood asks a lot of us. I remember being a mom before I was a special needs mom and it was hard and wonderful and soul-stretching all on its own. It truly was. But being a special needs mom asks more of me. Strangely, it’s not in the ways I thought it would be.

It’s not hard being Lamp’s mom. But it is hard being Lamp’s mom in a world that doesn’t acknowledge her or people like her on a macro level.

Because when we don’t acknowledge people who are disabled by having them in our TV shows, in our magazines, in our children’s books, in our commercials, and more importantly in our classrooms and workplaces, then we often have an overabundance of acknowledgement on a micro level, particularly when we go out in public. People–typically other children, but also adults–point, stare and whisper because they have literally never seen anyone like her before.

*****
On our recent Disney cruise we were informed of an incident in the Oceaneer’s club (a kids only club on board the ship that watches and entertains your kids ages 3-11) of a little girl pointing at Lamp and calling her names. The staff went to great lengths to make sure the situation was addressed and rectified. The girl was stopped immediately. Her parents were called and informed. She was removed from the kids club and was later made to apologize to Lamp.

When I asked Lamp about it she sorta brushed it off. As I pressed her for information she got a little annoyed and tried to tell me it was no big deal. She then went on to detail 3 other incidents just from that day. Instead of sending her to the kids’ club I felt like I had been sending her into the lion’s den.

Thankfully, there was an upside as well–overall she still enjoyed her time there and even had a little band of new friends that rallied around her. But as I walked her into the club that night–as if on cue, like the universe wanted to back up Lamp’s words just in case I doubted them (I didn’t)–a boy followed us closely asking what happened to her arm, reaching out to touch her hand. Sometimes I forget just how constant this kind of attention can be for her in a new environment. Even with me, her mom, right there telling the boy over and over again that she was just born this way and please stop grabbing her arm, it took a good 4-5 tries before he finally left us alone.

She took it in stride. She always takes it in stride.

I, however, was guilt ridden for the duration of our cruise. I should have done more to prepare the staff–teach them what to look for, how to intervene and what to say. It also occurs to me that in an alternate reality–one where say children with disabilities were featured in Disney cartoons every now and then or if there was a popular children’s book character in a wheelchair, this whole scenario might not be so foreign to them.

As we sat across from our friends that evening at dinner, after watching and hearing about these interactions that day, our friend said incredulously, “So do you guys deal with this all day, every day?”

I exhaled. “Not everyday because we have a safe bubble of our neighborhood, school and church. But in a place like this, filled with lots of children who have never met Lamp or even seen someone like her… yeah, it’s all the time.”

It feels good, in a validating sort of way, when a wave of realization of how disruptive this sort of input is to one’s life settles on someone elses shoulders. I wish it happened more often.

I remember the couple sitting opposite us on a NYC subway, pointing at our 8 month old daughter and talking back and forth to each other while staring at her with absolutely no discretion or sheepishness for their bold and shameful actions. We were too stunned and too new to this new reality to know what to do. So we did nothing.

I remember the time in Chick-fil-a where we were surrounded by a group of children and one boy said “Why does she have that robot arm?” And another girl said “Why does she have that Barbie arm?” And on the verge of tears I answered them both that they are not robot or Barbie arms as their moms sat feet away and choose not to intervene in this conversation.

I remember the little girl who screamed and cried and pointed at my daughter on top of a playground structure that Lamp was scaring her, as a barely 2-year-old Lamp was scooting toward her trying to make friends with the screaming child. Thankfully her mother came and grabbed her away, her eyes locking with mine and she fled with her screaming child, mouthing the words, “I’m so sorry.”

I remember the sisters at the bookstore, the younger one saying she didn’t want to be Lamp’s friend and the older one–maybe 5?–compassionately looked at Lamp and said, “Well I want to be her friend.” I was so thankful for that little girl.

I remember the first time we flew with Lamp and her powerchair and as she got off the plane in Florida a crowd of random strangers started clapping for her as she drove her powerchair off of the runway. Not meant to be rude, but it was certainly strange and confusing.

I remember the time PSP’s entire 2nd grade swarmed to the side of the playground to stare and gawk at Lamp while she burst into tears on my shoulder and the teachers stood by doing absolutely nothing to pull the kids away from my daughter and back onto the playground. Lamp. was. sobbing.

I remember the two separate times we went to a specific playground and once again had a circle of children gathered around Lamp as she tried to play–this time the circle including teenagers–who we had to shoo away and tell them to leave her alone, she just wants to play. Again, this happened on two separate occasions at the same playground. We’ve never gone back to that playground.

I remember the kids who stood in line at playground downtown, pointing and staring at her mere inches away, when I bent over and put my face in their line of sight and said HI, loudly as we often do to let people know we see them staring.

I remember.

*****

My hope is that when I share these stories people will read them and re-think the way the world is structured. Perhaps you’ll see the discrimination and the lack of representation in the media and agree that all of this contributes to a problematic reality for our daughter and other people with disabilities. I know that’s what happens to me when I read stories from people of color who talk about discrimination or when I read about sexist policies or discrimination against the LGBT communities.

My fear is that it doesn’t work the same way with the disabled community.

My fear is that while these stories have perhaps tugged at your heartstrings, the disability community is still so other that we don’t connect it with the same need for humanity, social awareness and inclusion. Disability is still so other that when the nation of Iceland boasts they haven’t had a child with Down Syndrome born there in 9 years due to selective abortion, no one seems to bat an eye or call this a humanitarian crisis. We still see the disabled as so other that when 19 disabled people are murdered in Japan it doesn’t even last one news cycle and no one calls it a hate crime. We still see the disabled as so other that it is completely legal to pay them less than minimum wage. We still see the disabled as so other that they are the only minority group that can still be legally segregated at work and at school. (see video here)

So what do I want from all this? Here’s what I want:

I want the world to make a space for my daughter. I want it to be a safe space that is accessible by wheelchair and accessible by opportunity.

I want to see more disabled bodies in the world around us doing everyday normal things. I want to see them in magazines, on TV (thank you Speechless), in children’s books, in movies (preferably not committing suicide because they’re disabled), in music, in plays, in school, in day-to-day jobs and in places of business.

And while I’m putting my wants out into the Universe I might as well tell you all that I have written a children’s book featuring a character with a prominent disability and I have spent the past several months trying to find an agent willing to represent me and this book. I want someone in the publishing industry to realize that we need beautiful children’s books filled with illustrations of human children (not animals, not toys) who have disabilities and that it would be very normal–i.e. a reflection of the actual world we live in–to have picture books with such diverse children in them.

I want to see more education in our schools about disability. I want to see parents engage with their children in a conversation when they meet a child who is disabled. (My personal guide here.)

I add my voice to the many, many, many, many, many, many voices out there trying to educate and share messages of inclusion. The messages and the disabled experience itself are too vast and wildly subjective to distill into one overall message, so I won’t try. But I will say this:

There is nothing wrong with being disabled. But there is something wrong with society’s overall view of disability.

Because when the world looks at a bright, happy and smiling six year old girl and constantly asks her, what’s wrong with you? I can’t help but want to grab society by its collective great, big shoulders, give them a vigorous shake and say,

No. What’s wrong with you?