Special Needs Spotlight || Maisie

Hi! My name is Maisie. I’m a 22-year-old nursing student from St. Louis, MO. In the fall of 2017, my life fell apart with the onset of several mental illnesses. I’m currently rebuilding my life and learning how to live in recovery. When I’m not in class or therapy, I’m usually hiking in the beautiful Arkansas mountains, making art, or spending time with my wonderful friends.

Miggy: Hi Maisie and welcome! I’m so glad to have you here today discussing a really important topic, your journey with mental health. When did you first start to experience symptoms and what did they look like? What were those first days (months, years?) like before you got professional help? How did you cope and what did you days look like?

Maisie: I believe that depression and anxiety have affected my life from the time I was a child, but things didn’t get serious until my junior year of college. In August 2017, I returned to school, excited to participate in my sorority’s recruitment process and start nursing classes. Almost immediately after moving into my apartment, I started having “episodes” which I now know were symptoms of Conversion Disorder, also called Functional Neurologic Disorder. These episodes looked like seizures and included major confusion, slurred speech, extreme fatigue, and the loss of use of my legs and left arm. Of course, everyone was very concerned. I saw many specialists around this time, but testing revealed no obvious diagnosis, which caused me to feel so confused and defeated, and honestly quite hopeless.

With those overwhelming feelings and continued physical struggles came suicidal thoughts. To deal with life, I adopted several unhealthy coping skills. I would drive for hours through extremely rural areas late at night with no cell service. I also started self-harming and engaging in disordered eating behaviors. Truthfully, I was barely surviving. My days were a cycle of trying to hide my downward spiral from my friends and family, and my nights were filled with fear and unhealthy behaviors. Long story short, my suicidal ideation got so severe that I finally ended up hospitalized, thanks to my friends and the wonderful counseling and psychiatric services (CAPS) office on my school campus. I was shocked that I needed hospitalization. That was the first reality check for me, the first time that I realized how serious things had gotten.

Since then, I’ve been hospitalized several more times due to suicidal behavior, and eventually ended up at a residential treatment center in May 2018. I credit that facility and its staff with saving my life.Miggy: You took a year off of college to seek treatment, which is wonderful. As it seems like all disorders and special needs exist on a spectrum I was wondering if you could educate us about your specific diagnosis and how they affect your current day to-day-life?

Maisie: I have several psychiatric diagnoses, including Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, an eating disorder, and a personality disorder. I think it’s important to remember that before August 2017, I was a typical, healthy college student. This was never on my radar. So, my life has changed quite a bit. I would say PTSD affects my life most in the day-to-day scope of things. PTSD is so unpredictable, and I’m learning my triggers and how best to deal with them. I have a plan with my school’s Center for Educational Access allowing some special accommodations for when I’m experiencing PTSD flareups, which can be as simple as permission to step out of the classroom for however long I need to regroup. I also really struggle at nighttime. It can take hours for me to go through the bedtime routine (shower, brush teeth, wind down), so I usually start that whole process relatively early. I’m currently in therapy once a week, but I’m learning how common that is. Lastly, I’m completely sober! That doesn’t play into my day-to-day life too much except for Friday and Saturday nights when most kids my age are out at the bars, and I’m at home in my pajamas (ha!). It takes a little more commitment and thought but it’s worth it for my mental and physical health. Alcohol and drugs would be a way of “escape” from my thoughts and feelings, which isn’t super healthy for me. Other than that, I’d say I’m a pretty normal college student!

Miggy: I know that the stigma for mental health has been greatly reduced in recent years, but of course I also know it still exists. Have you ever felt like you were treated “other” because of your mental health issues? How can people best approach or respond to you in regards to your mental health? Is there something you wish other people knew so as to avoid awkward or hurtful situations?

Maisie: This is a great set of questions. I remember feeling very ashamed at the start of all my struggles, but truthfully, everyone I’ve come into contact has been, for the most part, super supportive. I did have a slight issue with my nursing program when an advisor suggested that I might not be cut out for the role of a nurse because of my diagnoses and hospitalizations. I honestly just took that as fuel for my fire, because I believe that I have a story and a perspective that could be useful in the field.

I think the most helpful approach that I could experience would be from a stance of wanting to learn. The relationships that survived these horrendous months of illness did so because those people had a desire to understand what I was going through. They asked questions, did their own research, and reminded me that they loved me at a time where I didn’t love myself. So I would say that learning about a person’s diagnosis can be one of the most powerful things you can do.

As far as avoiding certain situations goes, I wish that society in general would get more comfortable with learning about mental illnesses as they pertain to the people in their lives. I wish that my friends in family would see that these experiences have forever changed me, but that I still like to joke about life and the crazy things that I’ve been through. And my biggest wish would be that our society would understand that these diseases can impact anyone. I think this would go so far in eradicating the stigma surrounding mental illness. One thing I’ve learned is that everyone has mental health; we all do things to support our happiness and inner peace. BUT not everyone has a mental illness. Those types of illnesses impact daily life, and they are also treatable, so I wish they’d be given the same attention, funding, and concern as more prevalent physical illnesses.

Miggy: What advice would you give to parents who suspect that their child might be dealing with a mental health issue? Are there specific signs to look for and what would you recommend as far as finding a good doctor who will take their concerns seriously?

Maisie: This is hard. I’m not a parent, so I can’t judge what I’d do in that situation. I would, however, suggest consulting a mental health professional, like a therapist. Those types of professionals can see things more clearly and also help determine what needs to be done in terms of safety. Things that aren’t helpful: threatening hospitalization, punishment for symptoms of the illness (ex. Grounding a kid because they’re self-harming), and refusing to let your child have some input into their treatment. My #1 request would be that if your child says they’re suicidal and that they need to be in the ER/hospital, LISTEN. Believe them. It takes so much courage to say you’re struggling. Parents who can stay calm and patient, and who reassures their child that they are on the same team will go so far in ensuring a positive outcome.

When it comes to finding a good doctor, a lot of it comes down to trial and error. Your doctor should be another member of your team, not the leader or director. It can be so frustrating to deal with a doctor who just isn’t giving attention to certain issues but persevere. With mental illness, your child’s life can quite literally be at stake, so a good doctor is imperative, and they are out there. Also, don’t be afraid to ask around! More people than you probably realize are seeing a psychiatrist, and bringing topics up like this amongst your friends and family helps to break the stigma.
Miggy: Lastly, is there anything else you want people to know about you, your life or mental health in general? If there is one thing you could say to the world about your experience what would you want everyone to know?

Maisie: I want people to know that I’m fighting every day for a chance at life. Chronic suicidal thoughts are relentless, and they’re scary. It’s so frustrating putting work into building a happy life only to have thoughts come along that threaten to derail everything. At my core, I don’t want to die by suicide. I don’t want to be sick. But this is my situation right now, and I’m doing the best I can. Isn’t that true for all of us really?

My hopes and dreams are still a possibility for me. I can still be a nurse. I can still be a mom. I can still be a good friend. I may need a little extra help in terms of medication, therapy, and even hospitalization at times, just as anyone with a chronic illness might. But I’ve battled for the opportunity to pursue my wildest dreams. And I’m certainly not going to quit fighting now.

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Maisie this is amazing and so informative–thank you for sharing this very personal journey with us. I really appreciate your candor in explaining that your suicidal thoughts are “constant and relentless.” While I’m sure the degree to which a person struggles with suicidal thoughts differs greatly, I guess I never really considered the thoughts themselves as being so difficult and unrelenting. Reading your story made me realize that I never really thought what it might be like to feel suicidal. There’s something about you speaking so openly about it, and relating chronic suicidal thoughts to a chronic illness that has really shifted my understanding. Thank you for that. As someone who has dealt with mental health issues of my own (admittedly less severe) I can relate to feeling like it came completely out of the blue and not even recognizing what was happening to me. And of course, as I write this I am reminded that what helped me understand my brain wasn’t functioning properly were my completely irrational, yet totally rational-to-me thoughts. Some thoughts that led me to do some very strange things, like taping black trash bags and black posterboard to the windows in my baby’s room because I was convinced that if just a little sliver of light got in her room at any given time, it would keep her awake. Wow… I can suddenly see how difficult it would be to navigate my life if my brain always functioned in that way. Also, I loved your advice for parents–I think that was spot on. 

Thank YOU. Again, I feel like you’ve helped flip on a switch of understanding for me. And yes, keep fighting the good fight! You are so strong. You are a survivor Maisie. 

As always if you or someone you know would like to participate in the Special Needs Spotlight series please email me at thislittlemiggy at gmail dot com. 

Have a fantastic weekend!
XO,
Miggy