Friday Spotlight || Ellie, Transgender

Hi, my name is Janet and I live with my husband, Derek, in New England. I grew up primarily on the West Coast, while Derek is born and bred New Englander. We met after I moved to Boston for graduate school almost 15 years ago, were married over a decade ago and have two beautiful children – Jason is 6.5 years old and Eleanor is 5 years old. Each of our kids are “just a little bit extra” – Jason is on the autism spectrum and Ellie is transgender. Today I’ll be sharing about our journey raising Ellie, who we all assumed was a boy at birth but now identifies as a girl. While being transgender is not the same thing as having a special need or disability, her transgender identity is often misunderstood, sometimes approached with fear and frequently places her in the margins of society. Since Ellie is not old enough to consent to having her identity made public, and due to concerns for our family’s safety and privacy, we’ve chosen to remain anonymous. I’d love nothing more than to share Ellie’s picture with you all– she is, in my very biased opinion, totally adorable–but I hope as you read my words here that you’ll be able to visualize our Ellie as the precious little person that she is.

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Miggy: Janet, thank you for being here today and sharing your family’s story with us. You have a daughter who is transgender. First, can you please explain to us what that means in the most basic sense? Second, when did you first start to see signs of her desire to be a girl and how did you first react? How do you feel about her being transgender now?

Janet: I’m deeply honored that you’ve invited me into this space to share my family’s story with you and your readers. Thank you for your openness to our experience, which I know is really different from most people’s and can sometimes be a mind-boggling topic to confront. I’d also like to state upfront that every transgender person’s journey is unique, as is their family’s along with them–this is just my story as a Mom to one very special, brave kiddo.

If you’re new to what to the whole idea of gender identity or what it means to be transgender, here’s my quick attempt to explain: for the vast majority of us, how we feel about our gender identity matches society’s expectation for us based our body parts; this is what is called being “cisgender.” When a person is “transgender” is means that their gender identity (i.e. how they feel about who they are, in terms of being a boy, girl or something in between) is different from their sex assigned at birth (i.e. when the doctor saw a penis in the delivery room and declared “It’s a boy!”). Sometimes you might hear it explained as “your sex is what’s between your legs, while gender is what’s between your ears and in your heart”.

So when I talk about our transgender daughter, what I mean is she was assigned male at birth, but we now affirm her identity as a girl in our everyday life, based on how she feels about who she is. We’ve supported her through what’s known as a “social transition” — she goes by a new feminine name, she/her pronouns, and presents as girl to the world (hair, clothes, etc.). Nothing about her transition is permanent right now, and we will continue to follow her lead with regard to gender expression and identity in the years to come.  Our goal is to create space for her gender identity and expression to develop freely and authentically as her self-awareness evolves over time. We don’t know what the future holds, because it’s up to her and she is still so young.

It’s interesting to look back on our journey from “baby boy” then to “little girl” now — because hindsight is 20/20, right? It’s like there were a hundred tiny breadcrumbs leading down this path, but we didn’t know where it was leading until we got there. From as soon as Ellie was old enough to show an interest or preferences in this vs. that, she always gravitated towards things that would be considered “for girls”: princesses, mermaids, pink, purple, sparkles, make-up, you name it. Since we have an older son, most of the toys, clothes, etc. laying around the house were “for boys” or gender neutral–but it was undeniable when we were out at stores or friends’ houses, the way our one, two and then three year old would move immediately, truly like a moth to a flame, towards the “girl stuff.”  Derek and I noticed and commented on it privately, but didn’t overthink it too much back when she was only one and two years old. But what we thought would be “just a phase,” only became more and more prevalent and pronounced with time. Ellie has never once pretended to be any kind of male character in her play; she’s always had to be the mommy, the princess, the sister, super-girl, etc. Every day became a battle to get her out of the princess dress-up gowns that were a fixture over her regular, boy clothes before leaving the house. Anything long and flowing (t-shirts, blankets, you name it) were used to imaginatively create the “long hair” that she desperately wished for (haircuts back then were a nightmare). My reaction as all of this went from being more occasional to nearly constant was to support E’s choices but to remain as neutral as possible–which was an extremely tricky balance. I never wanted then-him to feel any shame or embarrassment about their “girl” interests, but I also made a conscious effort to ensure that these choices were coming solely from their heart and not to “push” them one way or the other. I’ve found it’s so easy for people from the outside looking in to assign blame to the parents (especially mothers) when talking about young gender variant kids; they say things like “well, if they hadn’t encouraged it …”. I know in my heart and from my practical lived-in experience as this child’s mama, that her identity as a girl flows so genuinely from her own heart and soul, and has from the very beginning. There was no “pushing” or “encouraging”. My only “agenda” is to raise a happy, kind human being.

She was around 3.5 years old and when the question I’d been expecting for awhile was finally arrived: “Mama, can I wear real dresses to pre-school like all the other girls?” I took a deep breath and said “Okay.”  Even though I’d been anticipating this for awhile, it still felt monumental because I knew, without being able to really say it out loud to anyone yet, that this was paradigm shift–that we were venturing further and further from having little boy who liked to play dress-up sometimes to … something else, and I didn’t know yet what that would be. I was absolutely afraid of what people would think about allowing our little boy to wear dresses — I’m not immune to people’s judgment or questioning my choices as a parent, it absolutely hurts — but I felt that sending both of our children the message that we will love and support them no matter who they are, what they like and how they want to express themselves was paramount. I made the decision early on that I was going to parent from a place of love first, and not let fear (of the unknown, of the world, of what other people think) dictate my choices. I tell both Jason and Ellie all the time, “I don’t care if you wear a dress or pants or paint yourself purple. I care that you are a good person, that you are honest, hard-working and compassionate and, hopefully, have a sense of humor.” Those are our values. Clothes, hair style and a name? In the end, that’s just external adornment, not the content of their character, which, to me, is all that matters.

You asked how I feel about her being transgender now… I wouldn’t trade my transgender daughter for any cisgender girl in the whole world. It’s impossible to explain the bravery of a four old child, who’s known from their earliest consciousness that they’re different and has had to fight to be seen and understood. She is, truly, my hero. Do I wish she wasn’t transgender? Sometimes I do, but only because I wish life could be easier for her; because I hate to think of what she may encounter when she leaves the safe little bubble of our family. I wish I could protect her forever, but I know that I can’t. But most of the time, I don’t wish for her to change, I wish for the world to change – she has done nothing wrong and deserves the same chance at happiness as any other person and shouldn’t have to alter who she is to “earn” that right.Miggy: Can you talk a little about the process of transitioning? Was it all at once or was it gradual? What was the hardest part (if any) about this transition? Likewise, was there anything surprisingly easy?

Janet: We tried for as long as we could to huddle in the gray area (“Okay, so you’re a boy who likes girl stuff–that’s fine”), because coming to terms with that was hard enough.  Even when the child we knew as our son was choosing to wear a dress every day, it still felt inconceivable that he would ever be more than a gender non-conforming boy. We thought “maybe he’ll be gay when he’s older,” but transgender? That felt like life on another planet. That may sound naive, but every child is different and some do stay in that in-between space indefinitely.  In fact, the majority of children who display gender non-conforming interests or expression do not ultimately identify as transgender. Statistically, it is vastly the exception. It’s relatively common and normal for young children to dabble in gender variant dress or play, but clinical professionals often explain that a child is likely to be transgender if their non-conforming gender identity is “insistent, persistent and consistent” over a period of time — which was definitely the case for Ellie in the years leading up to her transition. In the early days,  we were essentially feeling our way along in the dark. I spent a lot of time on the internet, poring over articles and research, lined our shelves with books on gender identity, and reached out online to other parents in similar situations (since I didn’t know any in real life). By the time she turned four year old she was declaring every day, in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, that she was a NOT a boy in a dress, but a real girl. Her frustration that we didn’t seem to “get it” was reaching a boiling point — our once happy, vibrant, full-of-life child was quickly turning angry, sullen and withdrawn. Our once peaceful, easy-going family had been thrown into chaos, confusion and strife over what on earth we were going to do to best support our child.

We knew something had to change, but struggled for another few months to accept as a family what I know knew in my heart needed to happen — that our son needed to be our daughter. It had by then clear to me that that’s who she was and that that affirmation is what would make her feel valued and whole.  Around that same time, she asked to be called a new girl name, as her given name was decidedly male. We kind of danced around it, still not feeling quite ready ourselves to “go there”, so we hedged like “okay, maybe, we’ll see …” and used the new name occasionally to placate her. Then one day early in the spring, her teacher sent us  an email the middle of the day saying that Ellie had announced her new name and told them she is a girl now. The school was incredibly supportive, but hadn’t heard about these changes from us first and needed that green light. I looked at Derek and said, “If our four year old can be that brave and has enough confidence in who she is to march into her preschool class and advocate for herself, then we need to get on board and we need to do it now”.  We weren’t all-the-way ready, because frankly we might never have been if it was left up to us, but she was and needed us on her side. After that, at home, I’d say it took a couple of weeks to phase in her new name and pronouns consistently, but really within a month or so saying “Ellie” and “she” began to feel surprisingly natural. Her hair began to grow out, her wardrobe became more bold and sparkly, and we started the process of sharing her transition with our family and friends.

The hardest part of the transition was just getting past the point of agonizing about it and actually making the changes. I can vividly remember how it felt the first time I said her new name out loud, called her “my daughter” and explained to my older son that his brother was now his sister (which he understood and accepted virtually without hesitation, I think, because he knew it was true for a long time already – kids “get it” so much more intuitively thank adults, in our experience). Derek and I felt so scared to jump off that cliff and didn’t quite know how to wake up one and day say “Ok, this is happening”, but Ellie kind of took the reigns and pushed us off the cliff.  In some ways, I wish we had gotten out ahead of her a bit more, but on the other hand, the prevailing advice is always to “follow your child’s lead”, which is what we did.

For me, the surprisingly easy thing was how natural her identity felt once we got used to it.  Our household had been so full of stress and uncertainty in the months leading up to her transition, that once the dust settled it was so incredible to feel such calm and lightness return to our family.  Ironically, our daily life became so much more “normal” post-transition. That renewed peace helped me to know, even in the uncertain or scary moments, that we were going in the right direction. My marriage is healthier, both of our kids are happier and our daughter is a funny, sweet and precocious kid.  All of the anxiety and anger and sorrow that seemed to permeate her being before she came out as Ellie just melted away, and joy and light emerged. The best way to describe it is like seeing a butterfly emerge from its cocoon.

Miggy: What has it been like to explain that your child is transgender to friends and family? Have they been supportive, confused, standoffish? Also, what about medical professionals? Were they supportive or did you have to search out different doctors, etc?

Janet: It’s been challenging and daunting, to be honest. I grew up in a conservative Christian family so as our child’s gender non-conformity became more pronounced over the last several years, I’ve had some fraught conversations with my immediate family members about it all. There was definitely skepticism and resistance to contend with, but with some time and education, and most importantly, spending enough time with her to see how happy and thriving she is now, they have come to understand how real this is and have become great supporters and allies. A few months into Ellie’s transition, I sent a long letter about explaining it to each of my extended family members (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.). I wanted to them to hear about it from me directly, not via family gossip or social media, but felt a letter would give them time to sit with it privately first before responding to me.  Most of my family members are from very conservative faith communities, and I know some of them remain unsure of what to say to us and are not 100% supportive, but even so, those I have heard have been loving and respectful. In our day-to-day community, our friends, co-workers, acquaintances have been amazingly open-hearted and kind, we have been so fortunate. One or two of my close long-time friends have stopped speaking to me since our daughter came out, which is very painful. I pray that those relationships can be healed with time and I’m committed to holding the door open to the people who aren’t ready to walk through it.

All of the medical and clinical professionals we have worked with have been so honest, knowledgeable and compassionate. We are incredibly fortunate to have access to Boston Children’s Hospital gender clinic, which was the first of its kind to offer gender affirmative care to trans youth. Their team of doctors and psychologists were instrumental to us around the time of our daughter’s transition; they provided the input, resources and support we desperately needed to wrap our minds around what was happening and decide how best to move forward. From their network of therapists, we were able to get through the most confusing days earlier on, and as we’ve settled into a “new normal”.  They continue to be a really helpful touchstone for our constantly evolving questions, fears and just dealing with all of the feelings.

Miggy: Right now is a very turbulent time in America politically and socially, and the fight for LGBT rights are a part of these conversations/debates. In my estimation Trans rights seem to be even more controversial than rights for gays and lesbians. What do you want people to understand about your daughter and her rights? What do you say to people who claim that your child is just confused or perhaps mentally ill?

Janet: I would like people to understand to our daughter is a very normal kid – she loves ocean animals, LEGOs, riding scooters with her brother and helping her daddy make pancakes on Saturday mornings. She is complicated and human, just like all of us, just like any of our children. Being a girl is only one aspect of who she is, and the fact that she is “a different kind of girl” in super none-of-your-business ways does not, and should not, define her.  In our house we talk about the difference between something being “secret” versus being “private” — the fact that she is transgender isn’t something that we feel is a secret, i.e. we don’t hide it and it’s not anything we are ashamed of, but it is private. It is not something that everyone has the right to know about or that she or we owe anyone an explanation regarding, unless we choose to discuss it and feel that trust is earned. It should be her right as a citizen to be free from discrimination in housing, employment, health care, public spaces and the like.  It should be her right as a human being to be treated with the same dignity, respect and have the same expectation of privacy and autonomy as anyone else.

You know, I can understand why people sometimes think transgender people are “confused” or “mentally ill” — to have a transgender identity is a really unique and rare experience. I, for one, cannot relate personally. So for most of of us, it is really hard to wrap our head around anything beyond “I was born a woman, I feel like a woman so I am a woman” because it is all we know.  To all of us cisgender folks, it would be confusing and it would make us feel crazy if anyone insisted that we be anything different than who we know ourselves to be. The the same way that our gender identity feels so natural and intuitive, to the point that we completely take it for granted, that is exactly how innately transgender people feel their own gender identity. So for them to be told (or as is sadly, often the case feel forced ) to conform to a gender that conflicts with their deepest sense of self, that is what is confusing, that is what makes them literally feel crazy and leads to mental illness – not the other way around.  

But more than anything, what I want to say to the skeptics is that “seeing is believing.”  It’s hard to describe what it has been like, at least without making this interview even longer than it already is, to parent such a very unique child in a very unique situation – especially one that is so rife for external judgment.  A few years ago, before we went through his first hand, I might have doubted these children and furrowed my brow in skepticism at their parents as well. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned through all of this is to believe the people who have lived it (whatever that “it” may be). My husband and I are loving parents, regular boring suburban Americans – we never in a million years thought this would be our kid or our experience, and yet here we are. People don’t necessarily need to understand (although we certainly appreciate when they try), but we do ask that people be kind.  The primary reason that I’m sharing our story is to try and make this real to people, to explain that we are just regular parents trying to raise healthy, happy children who will grow up to be productive, valuable members of society. Transgender people aren’t scary, they aren’t sick, they don’t need to be told how to feel – they are flesh and blood humans who deserve to be valued and respected like anyone else.

Miggy: I will admit that a few years back when the transgender rights were coming into the bathroom arena–particularly at schools–I was one of those people who felt that this would be problematic. I remember one news report in particular where a man entered a women’s locker room to change citing this new rule, but who according to staff did not identify as transgender. While I now understand the importance of allowing trans people to use the bathroom of their choice, can you speak to this particular issue, how it affects your daughter and what you’d like other people to know and understand about this hot button topic?

I would love to speak to this, as it’s such a common misconception. These so-called “bathroom bills” are nothing but anti-trans fear-mongering at its ugliest. Many states have enacted legislature in the last several years to protect transgender people from discrimination in public spaces, and yes, that does include restrooms. It means that people can use the bathroom that matches their gender identity, in privacy and in peace. Transgender people have zero interest in bothering anyone while they do their business. It is, frankly, dehumanizing to suggest otherwise. Forcing a transgender woman to use a men’s bathroom (or vice versa) strips them of their dignity, and is intended to keep them out of public spaces and push them further into the margins. If some creep in a dress is going to peep in a ladies restroom, as the opposition propaganda would have you believe, that has always been and absolutely remains a crime. Laws protecting trans people do nothing to change that, and have actually been shown to make all of us safer. Rather than me rattle off and debunk these claims one by one and take up more space here, I would welcome your readers to read more about these myths and get the facts here: https://www.freedommassachusetts.org/mythbuster/Miggy: One thing that has really been shocking for me to learn is that the statistics for suicide AND homicide for trans people are significantly higher than they are for the population at large and I believe for any other minority group. In fact one of the reasons we are doing this spotlight anonymously is because your daughter’s safety has been threatened. This is horrific and shocking to say the least. What do you want people to know in regards to these statistics and how you are affected on a personal level?

Janet: Right now, my daughter is so young, she has no idea that anyone could possibly care that she is a girl or would act ugly towards her because of it. It’s so painful to think about having to explain that to her one day. She is still too little for us to “go there” and deserves to be an innocent, happy kid for now. I’m sharing our story, advocating for trans protections in our state and hoping to do whatever small part I can to open people’s hearts and minds to the transgender experience so that maybe when she is old enough to understand, things won’t seem so scary and she can be who she is without as much to be afraid of. It’s hard to do all of that with relative anonymity, but our child’s privacy and our family’s safety have to be our top priority. As you mentioned, we have already been on the receiving end of some really vile attacks online, and have received very scary, threatening phone calls (went to the police, had to change my number, lost a lot of sleep). In my better moments, I wish I could sit down and have a cup of coffee with every one of these “haters” and have a real, honest conversation with them; maybe I could show them that I’m an actual person and a loving mother and perhaps I’d dig further into their humanity as well. Maybe we’d find out we have more in common than we think, maybe they’d find it more difficult to be hateful and cruel to my face.

And yes, historically, the statistics about transgender people and suicide have been dire (nearly four times the national average), along with hugely increased risk for drug abuse, sexual and physical violence, etc. These grim statistics are born of a time when the model of care, and the cultural standard, was to force gender variant people to conform to their sex assigned at birth. In the last 10-15 years the model of care has shifted towards support and affirmation for the identities of transgender people, particularly gender variant youth. And guess what? The data emerging out of this revised clinical approach is now demonstrating that when transgender youth receive affirmation and support from their families from a young age, they are just as likely be as well-adjusted as their peers; with similar emotional, academic and social outcomes.  It isn’t an exaggeration to say that believing what kids tell us about their gender identity, supporting and loving them, can literally save their lives. It’s sometimes said among parents of transgender kids, “I’d rather have an alive daughter, than a dead son”. That may sound extreme, but imagine as a parent that you could put your child on one of two airplanes – knowing that one had a four times greater likelihood of crashing than the other? The decision to choose affirmation and support seems a bit more understandable, I hope.

Any loving parent wants nothing more than to see their child thrive and succeed in life, and to figure out what that was going to look like for our family we had reach both inward and outward — a ton of soul-searching as well as seeking a lot outside support and advice. Something that is important for me to emphasize in telling our story is that families raising and supporting transgender kids do not take this lightly at all, nothing about the decision to have our daughter socially transition was done casually or capriciously.  She didn’t put on a dress a few times and ::poof:: we said she could be a girl! If there’s one thing I’d like to highlight for anyone reading our story, who maybe hasn’t met a family like ours before, it’s that we love our daughter more than anything in the world, we are neither naive nor immune to the ugliness of the world, so please understand that we would *only* be going down this path if we believed with our deepest conviction that allowing her to live as her authentic self is the best thing for her, and gives her the best shot at a happy, whole life.  She is not transgender “for fun” or “for attention” or “because we don’t know how to say no,” which are all things people say about families like ours. Many people believe that they’d make different choices, but I ask those who have not walked in our shoes to resist the impulse to make assumptions or generalizations about situations that are so personal and so complicated.

Miggy: If you could say something to the mom who is just starting on journey of a child transitioning what would you say? What would you say to yourself if you could go back in time?

Janet: Oh my, first I’d give her the biggest hug ever. Then I’d just want to listen for a long time – hear all about their child, how they’re feeling, their hopes and fears. Because I think that’s what I needed early on more than anything — just someone to listen, without judgment, to what I was seeing with my child, to assure me I wasn’t crazy, to remind me that I *am* a good mom who loves their kid and that that will guide our way. I’m so incredibly blessed that I have some amazing friends who were able to do that for me, when I needed it most. I would also tell that mom to trust her gut, because she know her child better than anyone else. It is super helpful to reach out to professionals and learn as much as you can about gender non-conforming identities and their are so many great resources out there, but at the end of the day you are their mother, and that mama-bear instinct to love and protect them is what will carry them through life.  Also, never stop listening to your child – they’re young, they’re still figuring things out, they may need to try things on (literally or figuratively) but if you’re there to listen and to provide a safe space for them to work all of that out as they grow up, they will find their way and they’ll do it knowing you are their greatest ally, no matter what.

Miggy: Lastly, what is the biggest lesson you’ve learned since becoming the mother of a transgender child?

Janet: Well, I’m really new to all of this, so I’m still learning things all the time. I mentioned above that one big lesson for me has been to listen to and believe the experiences of people who have lived things that I have not. And not only that, but to do so without inserting myself into a narrative that has nothing to do with me. To just let it be their story and their truth, whether it’s something that I can personally relate to or not. I have become much so much more aware of the struggles of other marginalized groups throughout our society — people of color, immigrants, the differently abled, etc. I’ve been in a position of a lot of privilege for a really long time, and suddenly I have a child who faces discrimination and hate from the world and ::BAM:: now, I’m an advocate! I’ve learned that it shouldn’t take becoming part of a marginalized group in society to give a damn about them. That’s what being an ally means, I think – showing up and giving a damn even when the fight isn’t about you specifically, but simply because it’s the right thing to do.

Again, thank you so much for inviting me into this space today, I am deeply humbled that you’ve taken the time listen to my story and learn about my daughter and our family.

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Janet, I can’t thank you enough for this comprehensive and beautiful interview. You shared so many valuable insights, this one stood out to me at the beginning, ” I know in my heart and from my practical lived-in experience as this child’s mama, that her identity as a girl flows so genuinely from her own heart and soul, and has from the very beginning. There was no “pushing” or “encouraging”. My only “agenda” is to raise a happy, kind human being.” As you said, before you lived this life you too might have furrowed your brow but now you know to believe people who have lived it (whatever IT might be). I want you to know I believe you. I believe your story and I believe you are a great mom who loves her children fiercely and is doing her best to raise them right. And for anyone who has read your whole interview and still doesn’t believe you or your experience to be genuine, I would ask them to at least consider that at the end of the day we are talking about a child who has already faced threats of safety for the way she FEELS and the way she wants to live in the world. If there is anything about this story that feels wrong, it is that. I hope your family, and especially your daughter, feel an increased capacity of love, inclusion and acceptance as you continue to move through this world.

As always if you or someone you know would like to participate in the Special Needs Spotlight email me at thislittlemiggy at gmail dot com. I’d also LOVE to have more stories that focus on the LGBTQ experience. 

Hope you have a fantastic weekend.

XO, 
Miggy