A New Me

Hi! First, just so you know I’m in Palm Springs right now for Alt Summit. I’m a speaker this year–which is very exciting for me–and I’ll be Instagramming from there at lot this week, talking all about the conference and posting lots of photos. So be sure to follow along on IG if you want to see what I’m up to.

A haircut can say a lot. Especially when you’re a woman.

In many cultures and religions a woman’s hair is to be kept long as a sign of respect for God. In the 1990’s Jennifer Aniston started a hair-volution with “the Rachel” and women across the country were imitating that iconic cut. Same when  Katie Holmes brought back the 1920’s sleek bob something fierce in the mid-2000’s. And remember when Kerri Russel’s character Felicity cut her hair in season 2 back in 1999 and their ratings bombed?! The WB (the network they were on at the time) sent memo’s around to all the other actresses that they were NOT to cut their hair under any circumstances unless otherwise noted. That really happened. Crazy right?

I’ve had a thing for long hair all my life. As a kid I always wanted super long hair, but for various reasons it never happened. In high school I spent a lot of time and money trying to get the perfect, glossy locks. At some point I accepted that my hair wasn’t ever going to be down to my butt and eventually I cut in shoulder length in college.

In general, I’m very particular about my hair. My first real hairdresser used to tell me I was in his top 10 pickiest clients. Easy. My most recent hair dresser noticed that I was usually the kind of girl who freaked if you cut off a inch too much. (In my defence I can’t count the number of times in my teen years and early 20’s when I asked for a trim and would get about 6 inches chopped.  Probably why I started cutting my own hair in high school and didn’t let anyone touch it for probably 6 years. It was minor trauma.)

It can be big deal to cut your hair when you’re a woman. It signifies something doesn’t it?

Here’s what it signified for me: Fearlessness and being ready for change.

For the past couple of years I’ve had blunt bangs with shoulder length hair. It’s been a good look. However, I started feeling the itch for change and began growing my bangs out for almost a year. Then about 3 months ago I had a sudden desire to do something drastic with my hair–get a pixie cut. I have never in my life even considered a pixie cut. But I thought about it a lot. A huge part of the desire came from the idea that, What if I love this style of hair, but I’d never know because I never tried it? I talked to my stylist about it. He said, he thought I would look amazing and just to let him know when I was ready.

Then I decided that now wasn’t a good time. We are in the middle of building a house. I’ve got lots of projects going on with regards to the blog. And my specific thought was, “I have enough stress in my life right now, that if I hate a pixie cut I don’t want to add to that stress.”

Logical. So I went to my next scheduled hair appointment and told my stylist that I wasn’t ready to do a serious chop just yet. So I did the next best thing and cut my bangs again. “Yep,” I thought, “I just needed a little change and this will do the trick.”

Except it didn’t. I simply felt like I had stepped back into 2 years ago me. And within a week my hair was back up in a bun 99% of the time again. And not in a bun because I like really like the look of a bun (which I do) but in a bun because I was absolutely sick of my hair.

So a week after my cut I emailed my stylist (otherwise known as my hair boyfriend–my husband’s nick name for my stylist. Ha!) and told him that while the cut is great, and he did exactly what I asked him to do, I just wasn’t into it. I wanted to go shorter. A LOT shorter. He was so great to squeeze me in quickly since I wanted to do this before I left for Alt and I came armed with some inspiration photos and resolve. Oh, I also didn’t tell my husband or kids. (You can still see their reaction to my haircut on Instagram highlights!)

I closed my eyes the entire time my hair was being cut. I didn’t want to see until the end.

My first reaction when I saw it? Oh *&#%. What have I done? I did not like it. My hair boyfriend could tell I did not like it. The salon owner (and former hair boyfriend) could tell I did not like it, BUT they kept telling me that this was my cut and to give it some time.

When I first brought up the idea of a pixie cut to my husband, he was worried that I would fall into a hair-pocalypse. I’ve been known to cry and rant and rave after getting a haircut I didn’t like. But even as I sat there in the mirror trying to process what just happened to my hair, I didn’t regret it. My stylist kept telling me to play with it–and I did–and then I went home, surprised my family, promptly hopped in the shower, washed and restyled my hair. And then I liked it.

And then I looked at the selfie I took earlier in the day of my freshly-cut-but-still-not-awesome long hair and suddenly I LOVED my new cut. Suddenly my long hair felt so old and not me.

I spent the next couple of days trying to figure out my new cut–how to style it, would my curls come back? Did I need new product? Most of all, could I really rock this cut in a cool, hip sort of way and not be seen as one of the Mom Jeans Spokesmodels?

This style is way different than I ever thought I would actually do. I had assumed I would do a full pixie (and maybe I will in the future) but when I saw this photo of French actress Audrey Tautou, I knew immediately that this was the cut I wanted. Something about the style called to me. It’s rather retro-ish, but in an early 80’s sort of way. Basically it’s a bowl cut. I’ve been told I look like everyone from Dorthy Hamil, to Karen O, to Miranda July, to Molly Ringwald, to the mom from the Parent Trap after she gets her haircut (ha–my kids) and to the mom in Stranger Things. And I say thank you to all of them!

Part of what I love so far about this cut, is that it’s also ushering in a whole new style for me overall. I think the key to making any retro style more modern and hip is all in the styling. For me this cut practically requires that I wear some sort of dangling earring–even if they’re delicate. I find myself wearing a little more eye make up and making sure my outfit feels a little fresher and a little younger. And if I may say, it looks a lot better in person.

But I’m also still playing around with it. Some days I love it more than others. I’m not too fond of the little wings on the side. I hesitated to share these photos because I think they make it look spikier than it is–which is not a bad style per se, just not what I’m shooting for. I like it curly and shaggy… I’m hoping when it grows out another inch or two I’ll hit the sweet spot even more.

But overall I love how it makes me feel. It feels fresh. It feels cool. My hair is not in my face, yet I’m not putting it up at all either. I think the best part was the feeling that even when I wasn’t sure I liked it–in fact when I straight up didn’t like it–I still didn’t regret it. I’m not sure what I was letting go of (fear, regret?) , or stepping into (change, the present?) but it felt good. Like, more of that please.

Anyone else know this strange sensation I’m trying to describe–needing a change and finally being willing to let go or accept that change, even if it means risking that you won’t like the next thing as much as the last? Anyone else holding onto a style, a haircut, something too long and needing a little push? Anyone make a big change recently that has pleasantly surprised you? Dish! I’d love to hear.