The Joy of Painting

Last week I talked about how I use my time and what I really want out of it.  There are so many things that need to be on this list, for any fellow Mormons out there I’m always trying to improve in the area’s of scripture study, temple attendance and visiting teaching.  None of those things are ever done are they?  Like, EVER.  But also at the top of that list is always more painting.  It took me a long time to admit it, but I have such a love/hate relationship with painting.  As a kid I would draw for hours and hours on end–mostly Disney cartoon characters–but still.  I loved it.  As I grew older and started to take art more seriously I suddenly found myself a little paralyzed by fear–What if my work isn’t that good? Beautiful?  Meaningful?  Do I know what I’m doing?  I really enjoy doing my art-a-thon’s but I’m also feeling the pull to be a little more consistent and not just producing work in short, quick bursts.  I want to feel the joy again, not just the joy of a finished product, but also the joy of the process.  In the past I’ve tried to make grande commitments, this time around I’m going to take it a little slower.  I thought I’d start with painting an hour a day for just one week.  I know it’s small, but it’s a start.  I ordered some turpentine and other products last week and am eagerly awaiting their arrival.  I started cleaning my space up last week and in the process ruined this brush… dangit.  But it made for a good picture.  Cleaning my space, ordering products, reviewing old notebooks… even the preparation stirs within me the excitement and longing that only painting and creating can fill.  Can you relate or am I the only one who feels this love/hate relationship with what I often view as my one true passion/life-calling?  Sometimes it feels a little counterintuitive…. thoughts?