We’re Home

I’ve tried to formulate this next post over and over in my head, but I’m having a hard time finding the right words.  As down-trodden and as I’m-throwing-in-the-towel as I felt earlier last week, the joy and happiness have been equally measured out, if not more so, in our behalf.  To say it was all worth it, is an understatement.  But I’ll say it anyway, it was all worth it. 

I’ve reflected a lot on the differences between this pregnancy and my pregnancy with Beanie–they were polar opposites.  With Beanie it couldn’t have been a smoother, easier, stress-free pregnancy.  I had 1 ultrasound the entire pregnancy.  When I went into labor, I walked into the hospital, no epidural, not even an IV, and I had a baby in my arms 3 hours later (not to say labor wasn’t very difficult, ’cause it hurt….a lot).  We stayed over night and went home the next day.  With Lamp…well you know the rollercoster.  Two threatened miscarriages in the first trimester, finding out about her limb abnormalities at 18 weeks, meeting with specialists, an MRI, at least 30-40 ultrasounds, being sent to the hospital 3 different times prior to birth–one time for an entire weekend, bed rest, breach baby, a scheduled c-section and to top it all off a nasty stomach virus 2 nights before the c-section. 

However, I would say the same has been true of the post-partum period as well…. complete opposites.  With Beanie I was a total mess within days.  I was calling the midwife and having some serious discussions about postpartum depression.  She was fussy and I found myself wondering, what did we get ourselves into?  It would be months before I would start to see the silver lining again.  With Lamp…so far I have been on cloud nine.  I could never understand why people liked the newborn phase until now.  While I couldn’t wait for Beanie to grow up and just get bigger already….with Lamp I want her to stay my teeny-tiny newborn forever.  Each night in the hospital I was excited to see her being wheeled in for her feedings (darn right I sent her to the nursery).  So far she’s been a sweet little angel–of course she’s still very sleepy, but even when she’s awake she just looks around in wonder and awe.  (Beanie never did that…if she was awake she was fussing).  Now I hate to sound like I’m comparing my children and giving preference to Lamp, because that’s not the case.  Many things factor into something like this….with Beanie I was a first time mom and had no idea what to expect or do, she was fussy/colicky, and when it comes down to it you have no control over PPD and I don’t feel guilty over something I couldn’t control.  And truthfully, it’s not like I think I’m out of the woods with Lamp–she could still be fussy, I could still get PPD…. but even just these first few elated, happy and joyous days have made it all worth it.  And again, I still have Beanie to thank in a lot of ways… she was a pioneer being sent into dark wilderness of being my first baby, breaking me in as a mom… that’s not for the faint of heart.  

Additionally, when we received word that our little Lamp was having problems all those months ago things seemed pretty bleak.  I remember meeting with the first specialist and as we peppered him with questions about her condition and what it all meant.  I remember he said that there was a very real possibility that other than her limbs she would be fine and could very well be a baby that leaves the hospital with us after four days.  It seemed unlikely.  So unlikely that I actually got mad at him for giving us what I thought was false hope.  Yet here we are.  We’re home with our newborn Lamp just 4 days after giving birth.  

So I guess this jumble of thoughts is just my way of expressing my joy and gratitude.  Thank you to everyone who has prayed for this little family and for our little girl.  She’s home and we are now a happy family of four.