Life is Good

It feels good in the big ways–I feel both mentally and physically healthy, my family is healthy, my husband’s work is good, I love the work I’m currently doing, our kids are doing well, they’re happy and they spend many of their hours together as friends and sisters.

And life feels good in the little ways too. For example, yesterday morning we had an appointment that I needed to take all the girls to and about 10 minutes before we needed to leave I was doing the requisite“Everyone get your shoes on, head out toward the car…” mom rally-cry expecting the typical lallygagging and dilly-dallying because children. I was putting the dog in his pen and gathering up my purse and protein shake while still calling out, “Girls? Are you moving? Are you ready?”with no reply. I absentmindedly remember hearing the sound of the front door opening and closing and assumed they were out front running around. When I opened the door to the garage all the girls were sitting in the car, with their seatbelts on while big sister was teaching Lamp math. MMMMAAAATTTHHH.

Also, let me point out that while it’s not a big deal for my bookends (Big sister and Zuzu)to be in their seats and buckled, Lamp had to be carried by her big sister to the car, placed into her chair and then belted in twice (wheelchair seat belt + car seat belt). Check and check. AND THEN BIG SISTER PROCEEDED TO TEACH HER WILLING LITTLE SISTER MATH. Long division if you must know. Curiouser and curiouser.

My second example came from my recent trip to NYC where I attended Book Expo for the first time as a published author and had a signing. (With a line.) Yes I used to live in NYC so it’s not a complete mystery to me, but even so the city just kept unfolding itself to me in the most generous ways. I didn’t plan to be in certain areas of the city, but suddenly I’d realize where I was, look around and say, “Oh look… there is the Highline… I might as well go see it.” And on the way to the Highline I looked over at some interesting Galleries and thought, “Oh, I might as well check out these art galleries while I’m here…” and I’d wander into a couple galleries I hadn’t planned for, but were right there nonetheless. My friend and I went to a movie one day and as we left the theatre, we walked in the general direction of nowhere-in-particular and eventually made it to Momofuko Milk Bar where we stocked up on treats and then I walked her to work. After she left I realized I was close to the MoMA and just my luck, it was their once-a-month free Friday night.

Of course none of this is that remarkable or out of the ordinary, but the thing is I didn’t planany of this. Usually NYC takes a lot of planningbecause schlepping around the city can be so exhausting. Instead I just wandered while listening to an audibook and without meaning to I kept stumbling into the most wonderful places.

Don’t get me wrong I still have the little annoyances of daily life tapping on my forehead constantly like we all do. Appointments I need to schedule or reschedule, emails that need to be answered yesterday, never-ending dishes, a rotating laundry pile, and a phone call I always need to make but never remember unless it’s a very inopportune time. While in New York I was once again bemoaning the fact that I was having the hardest time finding a sofa I like my friend and I started laughing… it was a cute problem we decided. (This coming from a friend who is currently experiencing ugly problems you might say.)Even missing my flight home from New York and spending the better part of a day traveling to and from JFK was a cute problem. Downright adorable in the grand scheme of things.

Like I said, life is really, really good right now.

So naturally I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have found myself questioning my (our) good fortune on more than one occasion lately. Is something horrible around the corner? Is this good fortune the obvious foreshadowing in my future memoir of unspeakable heartbreak or grief? I know so many people going through so many difficult things right now… why us? Why them? I flip through the mental tragedy files in my head searching for proof that every one’s day will come and some get more than their fair share… the Kennedys. What did they ever do? Tig Notaro had a pretty crappy run a few years ago. Of course friends and family come to mind as well–divorce, deceased children, infertility, unemployment. The list is long.

But for me, for us, right now life is good.

At times I feel a pull towards guilt for my current circumstances but guilt serves no one.Yes, right now I’m standing on metaphorical firm ground while others are perhaps in shifting sands or even sinking in quicksand. What good does it do to apologize or weigh myself down with guilt declaring myself “undeserving” as if that shallow attempt to even the scales were a measure of humility? It’s not. Of course I don’t “deserve” good fortune any more than friends and family “deserve” their current heartaches and trials. Because here’s the thing, the fact that I stand on firm ground right now is what may enable me to be of service to others who are not on such firm ground. If I stand there on the side of the pond yelling, “I’m so sorry you’re drowning! It’s not fair, I should be the one in there not you.” Again I ask, who is that serving? No one. Well no one but my ego for being so thoughtfully self-flagellating in your time of need. Instead I can lend a hand, an ear, a hug, a ride, whatever. The fact that I’m on dry land while someone else is in the pond is what enables me to extend a hand and say, “here let me help you out.” And I know that in one way or another I’ll be the one in the pond someday and I’ll be grateful for the assistance of those standing on dry ground.

One of the best uses of my current ease of life is to lift others with me where possible, whether it’s information, connections, or even just positivity. While in New York this past week I met with a woman named Rachel. She was the woman who read my blog post about representation 3 yearsago where I mentioned I was trying to get a children’s book published, and then reached out and asked if she could hand my manuscript off to her publishing company. There were no guarantees of course, but as I found out from her this past week, she had felt a strongly that she was to facilitate this meeting between my manuscript and her company. It was so great to meet and hug the person–one of many actually–who was a critical part of bringing my book to life. So much of my current goodness in life can be directly traced to people who reached out and lifted me up with absolutely no personal benefit to themselves. I sincerely hope to be able to do the same.

And lastly, while a manufactured sense of guilt serves no one, a consistent expression of gratitude is something I am consciously trying to plant firmly in my head and my heart. Whether in prayer, to my family, and even simply to myself I am doing what I can to keep gratitude at the center–in my core. Gratitude of course is needed at all times in life–maybe even most especially when life is not going well–but I find myself most remiss to express it when life is smooth and calm. I want gratitude to be a habit as natural as breathing so that if/when seasons change, and my problems become less cute, I will still be able to say;

Life is so very good. 

How are you guys doing these days? Anyone else in a season of ease and rejoicing? What about those of you who are struggling and feeling lost–how are you holding up? What can those around you do to help?