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Me in Palm Springs shortly after I turned 40 wearing way more make up than I typically wear in normal life.
Will you get plastic surgery?
The answer: Probably.
At least your odds are a lot higher than they were a decade ago. I was in a doctor’s office a few years ago when I read an article that talked about the rising rates of plastic surgery and the main reason most women consider getting plastic surgery is because someone they know has gotten it.
Plastic surgery has become mainstream, no longer reserved for the Hollywood elite or a quiet minority. Now plastic surgery is something your mom’s best friend talks about openly at her church based book club no less! No matter how mainstream it’s become I still I find myself very split about it all. When I was younger I knew someone who had plastic surgery that went awry, therefore it seemed clear to me that the risks would never be worth it. However, as it’s become more mainstream and even safer over the years and as I’ve known more friends and family members who have gotten plastic surgery done, I find myself much more ambivalent and definitely supportive. It’s totally their thing you know? Like, You go girl. You do you! Some friends have gotten nose jobs, others boob jobs, some tummy tucks… and each person had their reasons and for each person I could totally see where they were coming from. Therefore, when it comes to supporting friends on an individual level, it’s easy. Of course I support them! It’s their body, their money and their decision.
But here’s the catch 22, while I may feel that way on an individual level I can’t help but think, what are the rising rates of plastic surgery doing to us collectively? Among other things, it seems like plastic surgery is setting the precedent for a new baseline level of normal–or at least it could be headed that way. For example, in certain circles you might be in the minority of women who haven’t had their breasts done after having babies, where as a decade or two ago you would have definitely been in the majority. Admittedly maybe these “circles” are currently restricted to The Housewives and The Bachelor contestants, but even if that’s what you see on your “reality” TV shows, doesn’t that message start to seep into the collective consciousness?
Of course one of the big arguments against plastic surgery is that it’s surgery. It’s invasive and risky–is it worth the risk? But taking a step back to much less risky trends, we can see this in make-up as well. Take eyelashes for example. Remember when full, long eyelashes were still just your own eyelashes but with like 3 coats of the newest top-secret mascara? But now a lot of women (especially women in social media) have either eyelash extensions or use fake eyelashes regularly. And what I have noticed, or at least how I feel, is that using false lashes in some form or another is starting to feel like the baseline for a normal, make-up ready face. A couple of years ago I became obsessed with eyelashes because I no longer felt that my natural lashes were cutting it. (Disclaimer: I still think about lash extensions and may get them sometime.)
The same goes for makeup in general. In the 80’s and 90’s our magazines were all about the airbrushing but these days if you don’t look airbrushed in real life what is your make up even doing for you? Again, I’m only speaking from my perspective, so maybe I’m wrong and most of you don’t feel this way or noticed this happening, but as for myself I’ve often put my make up on and wonder why I don’t look as flawless as other women (this seems especially obvious in photographs). And then when I watch these tutorials on Youtube for a “10 minute everyday makeup routine” that includes light contouring, baking, highlighting, and setting and I’m like, “Ooooh that’s why.” Again, it’s not that there’s anything wrong with it, but rather it seems that the baseline of what a “natural” looking makeup routine looks like is moving significantly. And I find myself wondering if I need to up my makeup game to even be on the same page as what is currently seen as “normal.”
Then there is the in between stuff that is less than surgery, but more than make-up–Botox, chemical peels, cool sculpting, etc. While I haven’t done any injections* or cool sculpting, I’ve got a medicine cabinet full of lotions and potions to improve the look and texture of my skin. TCA’s, ABA’s, AHA’s, glycollic and lactic acids… I’ve got ’em all. Not only that but I’ve had my eye on a device to give myself at home electric facials using an app on my phone, golden conductive gel and nonocurrent technology and NO I’M NOT SH*&#^? YOU. (*I did have my veins injected in my legs with saline solution and it hurt like a mutha. However, this was prompted by chronic vascular pain.) .png "This Little Miggy || Palm Springs Photo Shoot"){kind=spacer}
Part of me wants to blame the patriarchy. From the dawn of time us women have been contorting ourselves to be more appealing to the male species be it stuffing ourselves into corsets, pinching our cheeks and biting our lips for color, or actually painting entirely new faces on ourselves every morning.
But then I think no, it’s not all the patriarchy; it’s capitalism and consumerism! Big business doing their best to convince us women that we can and should look a certain way and making a quick buck off our endless drive for “perfection” along the way.
But also–don’t hate me for saying this–I believe there is something innate about being a woman and the desire to look beautiful for ourselves. I remember when my oldest daughter was a toddler and she would drape herself with nearly anything that could be draped. Even once picking up a long piece of thread she found on the floor and placing it around her neck as if it were made of 24 carat gold. As she was still quite young and prone to pulling I still wasn’t wearing necklaces or earrings around her yet, so I remember wondering where she got the idea of this little piece of thread as jewelry. I too remember wanting to feel “pretty” as a little girl with no thought of wanting to attract any attention from the men or boys around me. In fact just the opposite, I was quite uncomfortable when even my grandpa, whom I loved and trusted, told me looked pretty. I didn’t do it for them. I did it for me. I think many women feel this way today. Make up can be fun and empowering! How amazing is it to change the way we look on a daily basis and to determine what that look is everyday? I follow some beauty guru’s and I am transfixed by what they can do with their make up palettes and brushes.
Regardless of the origins and reasons, I still can’t help but think it all feels like a slippery slope and I can no more see where it is all leading us anymore than I can see where to draw the line.
Is a little make up OK, just so long as we’re not doing a complete airbrush/restoration job each morning? Or maybe the make up is fine, so long as we don’t actually go under the knife because no amount of vanity is worth the risk of surgery. Except… if you’ve been obsessing over your nose your whole life and if you can just get it altered to your liking, why not get it altered and move on already? As long as only the people who do plastic surgery are the ones who really need it because we don’t want to send the message to our teenage daughters that their bodies are not good enough. Well, except there is no shame in just enhancing what the good Lord gave you… I mean you’re B cup could use just a little push to a strong C. Especially if your boobs took a hit after having children, then by all means get those babies back to their previously perky selves!
So. many. questions. Like, can we enhance our bodies through bold make up and surgery and STILL tell the young girls and young women of the world that they are beautiful just the way they are? And what about disabled bodies? I mean if we’re doing all of this for cosmetics, what about those bodies that could never be surgically altered or airbrushed to fit the norm–can we look them in the eye and tell them they’re beautiful and whole just the way they are while simultaneously removing the excess fat around our thighs because we would feel better about ourselves if we did? Is it a truth? Is it a lie? Is it all up to the “individual” even though as individuals we are collectively moving the measuring stick?
Are we fundamentally losing something as we try to eradicate the process of aging? Rather than just being OK with the fact that our bodies sag and wrinkle as we age, do we see the process as natural and purposeful? I want to celebrate the fact that every year older brings wrinkles and spots that have been earned–our merit badges of life displayed in the open and with pride. Proof of life, you know? Do we no longer see aging as a beautiful process but only something to resist at every turn? We are not run down homes and buildings that can continue to be spackled and restored forever–we will die.
If you’re a woman who wears make up on a daily basis but snubs your thumb at the idea of plastic surgery or anything even slightly invasive (like fillers and injections) we’d be wise to remember that there was a time our “modest” make-up face would have been considered garish and obscene. I once thought I would never get plastic surgery, but then I see some perky, post-baby breasts and feel a little twinge of boob envy and think, what if?
So tell me, would you or have you ever gotten plastic surgery? Why?Are you glad you did? Any regrets? Do you struggle with the same questions about it being OK for the individual, but then if enough individuals do it what sort of message is it sending to our daughters and young women of the world? And where do you think it all stems from–is it a patriarchy thing? Do we do it for ourselves? I remember a joke in high school that went something like, “What if there were no men on earth? You’d have a world full of fat and happy women.” Thoughts? *UPDATE* Just saw this article entitled “Escape the corset: How South Koreans are Pushing Back against Beauty Standards.” Fascinating and right on cue!
My 6-year-old son looked at me a couple of months ago while I was putting on makeup and asked me, “Mom, why do you wear that makeup?” I didn’t know what to tell him. I could tell him that it makes me feel better about myself. Nah, that’s the wrong message. I could tell him that I like it. Nope, that’s a lie – I hate putting it on. I could tell him that his dad likes it, but that’s a lie too because he regularly tells me I look beautiful without makeup on. So I just told him I don’t know. Because at the end of the day, I wear makeup because I feel society telling me I’m supposed too. I don’t wear much, by the way. I gave up foundation a few years ago so that my adult acne would clear up, and it did.
I think this line in your post has been on my mind a lot recently…”Are we fundamentally losing something as we try to eradicate the process of aging?” I’m almost 32, and I’m quickly approaching the need for hair dye. Since baby number two came along, I can no longer pluck out the gray hairs fast enough. My grandmother has never dyed her hair. She washes her face every day with a bar of Ivory soap. She wears mostly linen clothing and very little makeup. And I’ve always thought she was so beautiful and kind. She’s run a daycare my whole life, so I see people constantly in my community who literally grew up in her care. All they know about her is how loving and kind she is. Never a word about the way she dresses or how she looks or whether she’s aging gracefully.
I’m not super sure where I was going with this, but I guess sufficed to say, I don’t plan on ever having plastic surgery. It makes me a little sad that so many women feel the need for it to make themselves feel beautiful. But like you said, if a nip or tuck can make them feel permanently better, then why not try it. On the other hand, is just one surgery going to cut it? Will it just lead to more improvements down the road?
First, interesting conversation with your son… I think my answer would be something about how it makes me feel a little better about myself. But then I think why? Because, like you said it is definitely tied to the current rules of society and what is deemed pretty, acceptable, etc.
Second, I love your grandmother. She sounds like an amazing woman who is all about love and caring for other people. Yet, I dye my hair. I care about my clothes, my weight and my skin and I care about people too. Sigh. Ultimately I’d rather be remembered for how I cared for others rather than my style, but then I think–can’t it be both? Yes. Of course. But that slippery slope will still be there and drawing that elusive line that constantly begs the question, when is enough enough?
Food for thought. . . My mom took me to the Clinique counter when I was 13 and the rest is history. I probably spend $1,500 a year on makeup, lotions and hair care. I have a 5-7 minute daily make up regiment. It’s my “coloring” time. I get to select what eye shadow I’m feeling and it’s soothing to go through the motions. I do feel more beautiful when I am all done up but if I didn’t have time one morning I could settle for a little powder a single color on my eyelids with liner and mascara (my lashes are blond and I look very sleepy without it). My 5 year old daughter believes wearing make up makes her more beautiful but wearing a necklace makes her feel that way too. We haven’t discussed it more than coloring time but she feels more beautiful after applying lipgloss. I often think about Plastic surgery after nursing my twins for 22 months. I’m a little scared and the funds aren’t there yet. Something that you didn’t mention but I think plays into this as well is hair removal. I went full nude years ago and thought very little about it since it seemed the norm. My tribe has changed a lot as I have become a professional artist of sorts and none of them were on that band wagon. I never thought I might actually want hair down there. I appreciate you bringing this to light for me to better ponder. My daughter has a limb difference and people often ask when she will be getting a prosthetic. It’s as if people are just waiting for the time were we can fix her. She currently has no interest except for the adapter that was made for her bike handle bars. I wonder if getting plastic surgery would be sending the wrong message. I need to continue to ponder this. Thank you so much for your post.
“My mom took me to Clinque when I was 13 and the rest is history.”
Oh what woman our age wasn’t raised on Clinique? That was my first serious make up brand… but it’s an interesting thing you bring up… your mom taking you. Women are heavily influenced by our moms (or other women in our lives) when it comes to these things and often (but not always) the way we were raised, how our moms/stepmoms/grandmas/aunts dressed, ate and the things they said play such a HUGE part in impacting our views of womanhood and ourselves. Interestingly I rejected the heavy girly-girl influence of my mom–I was into Led Zeppelin and dressing like a hippie–but I started watching my weight in 3rd grade because of multiple comments over the years about “fat camp” and my inner thighs by some of the women in my life that I still battle to this day. 3rd grade. I was 8. Even more upsetting was to look back at photos and see that I wasn’t even slightly “chubby.” Where was this all coming from? I have wondered over the years.
And yes, the idea of our disabled children needing to be “fixed” is quite ingrained. And the media does not help with this AT ALL–one of my big frustrations is the way prosthetics are viewed. Like if someone doesn’t have an arm or a hand and we just 3-d print a homemade prosthetic (or even a super expensive 10K prosthetic like my daughter had) BAM–now they have a hand! Problem solved! It just does not work like that at all… and it was even frustrating as a parent to see how we were walked through the process of prosthetics like it was a given she would need/wear one her whole life only to later realize (and have only one doctor ever tell us) most congenital amputees will never wear an upper prosthetic long term. Except, as you mentioned, arms for very specific purposes. (Lower prosthetics are a different ballgame–fine vs gross motor skills.) Anyway… so much to think about.
I think people get sucked into beauty or fitness or “influencer” instas and videos etc. Or maybe move in circles where a very made up face is the norm. But I’m a 31 year old purple-haired scientist and mom who rarely wears makeup. I wear it for conferences, job interviews and weddings. That’s it.
Most of my female coworkers also wear little to no makeup. I feel good in my skin. I like working out because I like feeling strong. I almost never think about what my face looks like, and I feel like that makes me pretty happy!
Absolutely. I didn’t even get into what social media has done to our beauty “norms” but I know I never felt eye-lash envy before Instagram. Ha!
Ok, now allow me to be a bit of a devil’s advocate (or a butthead if you will) for a minute… the fact that you wear make-up for bigger events–conferences, weddings, interviews–what does that still say about your (our?) relationship to make-up and what we believe about its importance for women? Just putting it out there. Also, (butthead comment alert!) you seem proud (maybe not the best word) of the fact that you don’t wear make up or think about your face on a day-to-day basis, however you made a point of mentioning your purple hair. I would say that still seems like a a part of your identity is tied to how you look. Which I don’t think is bad at all… but I’m wondering if you see it that way?
I say I would never get plastic surgery, but I’ve idly thought about getting the spider veins on my ankle zapped. I’ve also seriously considered getting my eyebrows microbladed (essentially cosmetic tattoos). Is that any more or less defensible than a nose job or boob lift?
There’s an approach to “self-improvement” that seems to be prominent in Asia — as the slogan on the side of a cosmetic clinic in my neighbourhood says, “You look great. Why don’t you make it better?” If you have the resources, why not live your life the way you want to? My line of reasoning against plastic surgery is that I’d rather spend my money, but more importantly, my mental energy on more worthwhile endeavours. Plus, what is the value in looking 20 when you’re 80? I’m not a person who’s excited by the prospect of potentially living for 200 years. Once you hit a certain age, the aches and pains will get you regardless of how poreless your skin is. And is looking smooth what you want to be remembered for?
Exactly. Are my vials of acid for my skin, teeth whitening gel and hair dye more or less defensible than plastic surgery? I think many would say yes simply because the cost and risk are much lower, but there is still time and effort involved in changing the way my body looks.
“Once you hit a certain age, the aches and pains will get you regardless of how powerless your skin is.” Good point.
I wear very little makeup— some concealer under my eyes, a little blush, and some eyeliner on “nice” days. I have prominent dark circles under my eyes and I feel self conscious about them. I don’t like the way they look, and even my kids have noticed how dark they are. I feel like that small bit of makeup makes me feel more confident and is a better reflection of how I feel on the inside! I don’t feel as tired as I look, so why not have my outside reflect my inside?
But on the other hand, I have thought about a boob job. I was a small B to begin with and after five kids, I’m a small A. I just want the B cup back…
That being said, I have 4 daughters and a son. I’ve made every effort to show them that beauty comes from your character, your kindness, your intelligence, your love. We don’t own a scale and we don’t have full length mirrors. I never make remarks about my body that are negative and I go without makeup frequently, especially in the summer. I hope to convey to them that THEY ARE ENOUGH, no matter how long their eyelashes are! I do run, and have slender genetics so I’m thin but running helps me combat depression, anxiety, and two other health problems that would get very difficult to manage if I didn’t exercise. One of my daughters commented once that I probably run to stay skinny and I emphatically replied, “NO! “ I make sure to emphasize that running is for my physical and mental health, not to look a certain way.
All in all, do your thing,chicken wing! I ask myself if plastic surgery will REALLY help my self esteem, or if I’ internalizing modern beauty demands instead. I would say most of the time, it’s because of all beauty standards that bombard us and bring out our insecurities.
I had a rhinoplasty (nose job) when I was 26, before I had kids. I had a small bump on the bridge of my nose removed that I didn’t like. I had the opportunity to alter my nose further. Although I had ideas of how I could “improve” my nose, I was worried I wouldn’t feel like myself if I changed my nose too much. Also, I was sort of ashamed I was getting plastic surgery and didn’t really want people to notice the change. So I guess I did the surgery for myself. I have told hardly anyone besides close family and a few friends about my plastic surgery. I don’t think I will do any more invasive plastic surgery because of the risk and recovery involved. I need to think about what I will tell my daughter (she is 7) when she asks me if (and why) I’ve had plastic surgery.
I don’t wear much make-up on a daily basis, although I do sometimes get my eyelashes dyed (I started this when I swam a lot to avoid running mascara). I have done Botox twice in the past year (I’m now 39) to get rid of a deep wrinkle between my eyebrows. However, I’m not sure I will continue this forever, as I don’t like how I can’t make some of my facial expressions when the Botox is in effect. But I don’t miss the wrinkle 😉
I’ve thought about this a lot recently. I’ll turn 36 this month & I notice that my face is starting to look different. For me it’s not wrinkles (yet) but under eye bags & droopy eyelids that are genetic. I always thought I wouldn’t want plastic surgery but now I can imagine getting it. What is bothersome to me is not that I look “old” but that I don’t look like the me that I remember. My face in the mirror is starting not to match the face in my head. And I am kind of fine with that being an issue for me. If I can make my outsides match my insides maybe that is not so bad? I guess I could also adjust my insides to my new outsides but that somehow feels like losing. I’m not sure why exactly, though.
In my mind family most women have a triple or quadruple chin by 40/50. I’ve been vain enough to consider saving to get that done when the time comes. Who knows? I’m almost 40 so I have some time… 😉
I don’t wear make-up mostly because I’m lazy & don’t want to build that time into my morning routine. BUT I do make sure my eyebrows are waxed. I also come from very hairy people so I wax many different parts of my body.
My husband wonders why I don’t wear make-up, I just don’t and I think that’s okay. It’s just not me. I do like mascara for a special occasion .
ALSO I don’t cover my grey hair. I love it! It started coming in at 18 and now theres a strike and the rest highlights the other color nicely. People always ask if it’s natural and/or why don’t I dye. Again, it’s just not me. (Though, I have started dying a little bit in the back in funky colors.)
I just wish everyone could accept we do what makes us comfortable. I know I’m not perfect looking but I feel more myself when I can just be.
Oops, so many spelling errors! That’s more embarrassing than a make-up less face.
I’ve wanted a breast reduction since I was 15 when my boobs grew three sizes in one year. I’m now 33 and still constantly dream about a reduction. Haha. I always say when I’m done having kids, I’ll look into it again. I did once when I was fresh out of college and living that “on my own insurance” life! The number one deterrent for me was that I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed, once I had the reduction so I put it off. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever really do it. Haha. I always think about what would be the best size and I can’t come to a conclusion. That makes me wonder if I’ll ever be happy with my breasts. I’m still on the fence and love chatting about this with people too! What and why do we do the things we do?! Thanks for always bringing up thought provoking questions!
I personally wouldn’t. I have had four c-sections, and more than my fair share of orthopedic procedures, so I am in NO hurry to go back under the knife. I don’t judge anyone who wants/gets plastic surgery, I am just so over having surgery. I am also not a regular wearer of makeup. I will wear it when we have a special event, but not daily. I do have purple hair though! I don’t wear make up every day, because when I was younger I was a competitive figure skater (hence all the orthopedic surgeries) and we had to wear full on theater make up. So I spent a lot of time from the time I was three until I was twenty one in heavy heavy make up. Either that or it could be because I have four kids, and I homeschool (for medical reasons) so I don’t have time to go to the bathroom let alone put on makeup. The purple hair kind of took the place of makeup for me.
So everything you just wrote is how I feel. I am all for the individual getting plastic surgery if they need it. But for myself, even though I would love to get some things done it just doesn’t sit right with me. I will say that I think the standard base line of beauty if changing.
So back story you might not know about me… I always hated my nose. I wanted to get a nose job so bad. Well after my freshmen year of BYU I came home and my mom sat me down and surprised me with…a nose job. She knew how much I hated my nose, how much I struggled in school. How much I was bullied, etc. She told me that my dad and her saved up money so that I could get it done. At that moment I was ecstatic but it felt like time slowed down. I thought to myself, “would this really make me happy in the long run? What am I running from? “ As I thought about those questions immediately the feeling and prompting of “you are enough. You are beautiful just the way you are” came to my heart and mind. I turned down the nose job my mom offered. She was in complete shock and asked if I was sure because that’s all I ever talked about. I knew that I didn’t need it and I told her no.
Well fast forward to that next year I had a friend brake their nose and get a nose job. I saw how it changed them. This person was attractive before the nose job but then it’s like they become even more attractive and it was sad to see how their priorities shifted.
Now, fast forward to my life now. I know without a doubt in my mind, had I gotten a nose job, I would have been more confident, I would have liked myself sooner.
Without the nose job, It just took me a little longer to get to the point in my life that I truly love myself. I truly know who I am and I truly know that my outer appearance doesn’t define who I am. I am the person that I am today because when I was 19 I decided not to get the nose job and I had to struggle a little bit with myself esteem. It wasn’t easy and there were times were I wish I could have gone back and taken the offer. But right now , I see why I needed to not do it. And I am grateful for that.
I know as I get older I am going to change and I’m not going to like it. I’m already getting a ton of wrinkles and I’m only 36 years old. But at the same time, I say bring it on! I want to be remembered for who I am not by what I looked like. So those are my thoughts.
(This is Heather by the way, your old South House roomie 😉)
I am on the fence about the whole thing but I really admire your story about declining the nose job! That seriously made me cry… that was a sweet prompting you had. I appreciate that you acknowledged that the inner growth was worth it! Thanks for sharing!
I have wanted a boob job for years. I used to have a perky D boob and thought I was so lucky. Fast forward 6 daughters later and the choice to wear a bra or not is really up to me as in the world won’t notice one way or the other! No boobs for me anymore!
I met with a plastic surgeon about getting new boobs and I really considered it, on the verge of making an appointment. Then I went home to think about it.
5 years later and I have still yet to make the appointment.
Here’s what happened for me….I have 6 DAUGHTERS. I was struggling with the “what message am I sending them if I get my boobs done?” I want them to love themselves, and to not let themselves be defined by what society says is beautiful. And we practice and preach this every day in our home! So what happens when I come home with boobs? What will I say? That I needed them to feel beautiful? Because that isn’t really true. I want them to feel sexy again? Again, not a message I want to send to my daughters.
I struggle still with this often. I still want the boob job, I want my “old” body back. But I have evolved since the days of my perky Ds. I am a wife and a mother! Two things that have changed me so much and for the better.
I cannot say I will never get my boobs done though. I do think for now, in the role I have been given in raising young women, that I have to be an example of loving my body and myself no matter what because I am who I am.
I do wear makeup when we are going out, but I have stopped wearing it every day. It is liberating haha!
In our world today we have been making such strides in women’s equality yet i think we hold ourselves back. We women hold other women to a standard of what we deem as beautiful. We are hard on eachother and I think that is where the pressure to have the long lashes (and I did have lash extensions for about a year!) our nails done, perky boobs, no wrinkles etc comes from.
Those are my thoughts…I really enjoyed this blog entry! Very good food for thought.
Yes! This is something I think about often. When I was younger, I was judgmental about people who got boob jobs, but after breastfeeding four kids and being left with small, saggy bags of skin that hardly resemble breasts (I was already small to begin with), I get it. It makes me feel super unfeminine. But then I think, is that because of what society tells me is feminine, or is it because breasts ARE a part of being a woman and there is something more fundamental there? I feel like a boob job really would be something for me (and my husband, although he would never suggest it), and not because I feel like I care that much about how other people feel, but it’s not that simple. What signals does it send to my children? Is that a good use of that money, when I could be using it for a better cause? The slippery slope thing is real. I’ve even wondered about buying padded bras. Does that still say something about how I feel about my body?
Make-up is less of a thing for me. I live in the Pacific Northwest and I feel like the culture here is less concerned with make-up, so that makes it easier. I like what a commenter said above, about using make-up to reflect how she’s feeling. I think that’s how I use it. I cover up dark circles because I don’t feel like I’m that tired (or I don’t want to feel that tired), and I use it for special occasions because it does feel special. I don’t want to wear it so often that it can’t feel special. It is something I do to signify that something is special – an outward sign about how I feel about the event. Plus, it makes me feel pretty. For whatever psychological reason, it does, and I’m okay with that.
My breasts are definitely changed after nursing 5 kids, but the whole idea of fixing everything becoming the baseline (and the implications with beauty then being tied to being able to buy it) really bother me, and my radiologist husband who looks at lots of breasts (as mammograms) says implanted breasts are harder to read (meaning the implants can obscure cancer on imaging) so I plan not to have plastic surgery there. I’ve worked out lifting weights, doing various not too impressive versions of pushups, etc the past five years and I’m actually much happier with my breasts because there is muscle there now and they’re not so droopy. (I think the main exercise benefits for me are mental, and I think the extra muscle serves me well in getting life done but that’s an extra perk).
I think any other plastic surgery would have to have a major functional component for me to choose to do it.
Many (most?) days I don’t wear makeup and maybe that’s easier to get away with where I live (midwestern college town) but growing up in NYC I also never wore makeup as a teenager (whereas some cousins who lived in Utah wore what to me was shockingly much) so I do think the culture of the areas we live feed into it. But I also don’t go to a job— I’m a stay at home mom.
I’m almost 40 and don’t have any gray yet, but I don’t plan to when it does start graying. I don’t really like spending the time to even get my hair cut, and the two times in my life that I’ve gotten highlights I just get so impatient with how long it takes that I don’t see myself making regular appointments for dyeing (and I think roots on dyed hair look way worse than just having gray hair).
Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble. I have a lot of feelings here. I wish the baseline were being reset to women spending less time and money on appearance, not more. I sometimes joke (but not really) was hat we could have solved world hunger by now if we weren’t spending so much time on appearance (I also say this every fall about tailgating, so I will admit, I am a crank).
I almost never wear makeup other than curling my lashes and filling in my eyebrows (thanks ‘90’s for all the over plucking!) and although I have lots of struggles with my body (mainly my stomach after weight gain and muscle separation after babies) but would not do any intervention. I think the biggest issue with all the plastic surgery and tons of makeup, is that we never see ourselves age. It’s like an addiction. Someone who gets Botox at 25, wears tons of makeup (like, the contouring face changing amount), lip fillers, etc, will not ever be able to stop. It’s like seeing a baby and coming back and they are a teenager; you don’t even recognize them. What a shock it is! I’m not that beautiful in today’s standards and I do my best to be ok with that. I am aging pretty gracefully I think. I’m lucky because I don’t naturally have wrinkles and at 36 I just have a few grey hairs…..but no matter what I’m going to learn to love what I am. That being said, I hold no judgments for others. I am learning to accept that what I see as beautiful others see as plain, and what I see as overdone others see as the beauty standard. It matters to me what is in the heart. I have friends all over the spectrum and all that matters to me is that they are good. I think they feel the same about me!
I appreciate and agree with your philosophical point about makeup, hair dye, teeth whitening, etc being on a continuum; there isn’t a hard line between plastic surgery and other enhancements. I also feel similar to you in that I have zero judgment about people who make that choice- do you!
However, a couple of points you didn’t mention:
– I’ve worked at a private school on the UES of Manhattan, where there is a lot of wealth and a lot of access to top plastic surgeons. And yet- many women, even those who may have looked great right after a procedure, start to look similar 10 years or 20 years after, and who know how many follow up surgeries. This, for me, is a unique reason to avoid a face lift- it makes everyone with one look alike in the same way, erasing individuality and character from a face.
-Second, $. Unless you’re rich, spending 5k on plastic surgery on one thing means 5k less for another. In a vacuum, I might love to have something done for cosmetic reasons, but if I need to choose between that and a family vacation to Europe one day it’s not even a close call. I’d take my husband, kids, and my own wrinkled ass to Tuscany!
I too like to feel pretty. After getting pregnant with my son I started to be concerned about what was in makeup and couldn’t really afford the clean stuff so I started to wear makeup less. I hated how I looked and people would ask me if I was really tired on the days I wouldn’t wear any. Then I realized how messed up that was. It is okay to want to wear some makeup, but to feel completely hideous without it was not okay. So I stopped wearing it all together and put my energy into aspects of health (mental and physical). It has been over 2 years now and I actually really enjoy what I look like. Every now and then I put on makeup for a situation in which others might see my lack of makeup as rude or as a lack of care (isn’t that silly?) And I will catch myself wanting to put on makeup more the following days/weeks. If I give in I put on more and more and more until I am searching clean foundations and coverup (neither of which I ever use). I wish we could all appreciate our natural selves a little more. As for plastic surgery, I would like to say I would never do it and I get really angry at this ad that always ends up in my mailbox for the “mommy makeover” and it’s for a tummy tuck and a chest lift etc. Leave my saggy mom bod be!
Side note: I love watching makeup gurus and am still obsessed with beauty, but am on a journey to love the bare me.
Ha–leave my saggy mom bod be! Seriously, what is so wrong with our mom bods?
And yes, it IS funny that a lack of make up could be seen as disrespectful or rude, but I totally get it.
I am 42. Have done botox for migraines over the last few years and recently stopped getting injections. What I noticed is I aged immediately over night. I saw more wrinkles than ever and literally felt like my face had melted ( im exaggerating im sure- but it felt that way) My neck is starting to go and I realized even if I kept up my face injections, what am I to do with my neck? What about my hands that are starting to age? I dont want to look in the mirror and look wonderfully young but have to cover up the rest of my body as it doesnt match. At some point Ill either have to keep maintaining that- along with my whole body for the REST of my life, OR I can accept that I do my best with diet and exercise, over the counter products and age as gracefully as possible. It has been a huge mental shift as I always thought I would do fillers….but alas.
In the realm of body acceptance and size acceptance, I try to practice body neutrality. Rather than engaging in the argument of what (or who) is or is not “beautiful”, I try to shift my observations about others and myself to what they say and do, not how they look. I consciously replaced “You look great!” as a default greeting when I meet up with female friends, to “It’s great to see you!” I was a tiny bit relieved when I found out my child was a son, because I wouldn’t have to protect him from harsh evaluations of his physical self in the same way as if he’d been a girl. But the fact that I had that thought makes me sad.
Steph,
Yes I think this is a great thing to do, although I don’t think it’s terrible to say that a person is looking good. Playing devil’s advocate again is it really that different to compliment someone on how they look–assuming they were “just born that way” vs. complimenting someone on how smart they are, assuming they were “just born that way” as well? I do think some people are blessed with beauty and that’s OK to acknowledge. Like any one trait I don’t believe it should be the whole of who they are, or that the should be given special treatment… BUUUUUUUT that is also what often happens to people who are naturally intellectually gifted. Sometimes that one trait is put on a pedestal and they get special treatment even though it’s an inborn trait they did nothing to earn. Thoughts?
I am 38 and have several silver hairs, naturally highlighting my dark hair— I love it. I go through different phases of how much makeup I want to wear. When we lived in north Texas, the pressure was horrible to look a certain way. A lot of the ladies in our ward looked so similar to each other, it was ridiculous. Most of these wore heavy makeup and spent a lot of time getting beautified. Now I am back in Arkansas, where a variety of natural looks seems to be valued. I personally have always enjoyed more natural looks. However, we each genetically will age differently. I wish I didn’t have so many age spots on my face, etc. Yes, I would love to look my version of “perfect,” but I limit myself on how far I will go to get it, sometimes for reasons of money, time, or rebellion against society’s expectations (driven by media). I will always remember a point made on a program in NPR— they said that face-altering procedures that impede ability to make certain facial expressions actually impede the ability to feel the emotions associated with those expressions— think empathy, etc. That seems like something I wouldn’t want to trade.