Now About That New Year || 2019

2019, you came in like a wrecking ball.

On New Years Eve day we laid our dear Grams to rest. That evening our New Year’s was spent with 3 out of the 5 of us barfing our guts out in a hotel room located in Scottsbluff, Nebraska with an early morning 3-hour-drive to the airport in -12 degree weather to look forward to. Fun!

We made it home safely–if not a raggedy crew with crumpled, ripe clothing and stale, sick breath. (We are so sorry to anyone who had to sit next to us on that flight.) We enjoyed a few days of recovery. Then my birthday was Sunday (huzzah)and yesterday my oldest had a (minor and not serious)surgery. And now I’m sick again–head cold with glands swollen out of my neck. (My doctor was practically feeling-up my neck he was so impressed with my bulging glands!)

All of that was proceeded with moving a week before Christmas, then the actual holidays (plus 1 birthday), which made for a very busy month, on top of a very busy period of our lives.

The original projection date to be into our house was January/February oflastyear. So we started our girls in their new schools at the beginning of the last school year (2017-2018) thinking we’d be moving in soon. We went from a short walk with one kid to school, and the bus picking up and dropping off Lamp in our driveway each day, to suddenly spending at least 2 hours in the car every day just for school drop-offs and pick-ups. At the time we thought I’d only be doing that for six months. Six months turned into the entire school year, which then turned into the first semester of this school year as well. Add in activities for each girl–soccer, church, ballet, drama–and this schlepping became a major time and energy suck for me. It wasn’t all bad. We’ve listened to almost the entire Penderwick seriesin the car together (so charming–we’re on the last book now)and if there is any advice I’d recommend for moms who spend a lot of time in the car it’s audio books and/or podcasts.

Anyway, I very much underestimated the time I would be spending on the house. I love the end product. In that sense it was time well spent. I didn’t hand over any major decisions to a designer (although I worked with one)and I love that I can say this house is all my vision. It wasn’t just selections–I created the visual boards, scouted sources, drew sketches, and often came to the house to supervise or advise on placement, trim, colors, etc.  It was a lot of time and I don’t regret it, but it cost me.

Over the years my work–here on my blog, instagram and my forthcoming book–have all been endeavors I have had to fit into what was left of my time. When my kids were much younger they went to bed much earlier (6:30 EVERY NIGHT) which gave me a lot of time each evening for writing, projects, recharging and relaxing. Often all of those in the same evening and I could still get to bed by 10:30 or 11. Eventually, wanting more than just “leftover time” I added a couple days of babysitting and then preschool. But in the past year and a half, many if not most of those “work days” have been occupied with things for the house. To compensate I have stayed up later, done less work and have in general put my creative endeavors on the back burner for quite some time.

And when my creative endeavors are on the back burner for too long, I feel it. I become increasingly anxious and snappy, and I take no delight in my family, but seek to be alone as much as possible. (I used to think this was just selfishness, but I’ve come to realize that this is what happens when my well is bone dry.) I feel unsettled and unable to sit down and start a project or a post as I feel pulled in 20 different directions and can’t focus on any one task for too long, poking at various tasks while accomplishing next to nothing.

And oh gosh, here it comes… the disclaimers. The need to acknowledge how blessed we are, how grateful I am for all I have and that I know there are people who have it much worse… I mean what about my pioneer ancestors? Wouldn’t they love to be worn out with planning a fancy new house and driving kids around in air conditioned and heated cars? Oh who the hell knows. My hard is not your hard is not their hard, OK?Enough whine already (I don’t even drink), what I’m saying is that I’m spent. I’ve been spent. I’m going forward into the New Year with a overdrawn emotional bank account and scant change rattling around in the bottom of my emotional purse. The sickness I’m feeling right now is my body’s reaction to finally crossing the finish line of the house and the last few rough patches life threw in for fun. I remember watching a man cross the finish line of a marathon years ago and watching as his body spasmed and gave out, while two people caught him on either side and gently helped him down, and then away. It’s pretty amazing when you think about it… that our minds and bodies can give us what we need, sometimesjust enough, to get us over that line before everything (temporarily) falls apart. (And by the way, no body came up to him and said, “But what about all the other runners? They ran just as far as you did, why aren’t their bodies giving in right now? Suck it up man! I bet the pioneers would love to have only walked 26.2 miles in a day!”) 

I started thinking about upcoming goals this past November and December as I want to move forward with some clear directions in mind. There are some very exciting things on the horizon in 2019–most notably my children’s book comes out in March! But as my body and mind have spasmed over that finish line, I find that I am most immediately in need of recovery. Especially if I want to be ready for what lies ahead this year.

For a while I have felt the tug to do less, but better. However, this is no longer feels like just a nice idea, but rather it is becoming critical. My mind and body are demanding it. And to figure out what that “better” is, I will need time to think and reflect. I will also need to be giving some nourishment to my body in the form of sleep and exercise.*  Thus my first goals for 2019 are to sit and think about my goals for 2019.

Sit and think. Sleep. Eat. Yoga. Fresh air.

OK 2019, I’m ready for you. On your mark, get set…

SLOW.

*If any of you are thinking that this all reminds you of the book Essentialism by Greg McGowan you are correct. If you haven’t read it, you should.