Seeing The Lord’s Hand

*This is a post heavy in Mormon-speak, for the non Mormons out there I’ve provided some links to the Encyclopedia of Mormonism or LDS.com for more info.

The past few years have been rather easy, almost dream like sometimes in their happiness and simplicity. B and I have wondered out loud several times, Why is life so good for us? When will it get hard? And then in a small moment everything changes and you know your life will never be the same again. I’m sorry, but there is no way to make this story short…

By now, you all know about the baby dream. The miracle of our conception after a recent miscarriage and 2 threatened miscarriages. Well let’s go further back…

Over a year ago we found out that we’d be moving to Cincinnati. I wasn’t thrilled. When you’re in a medical or dental program and you participate in ‘the match’ for residency it’s a bit unnerving to feel as though you have little control where you and your family are going to live for the next couple of years, and Cincinnati was one of the few places I really didn’t want to live. However, when we came house hunting in Cincy, my views started to change. The area was nice, with lots of things for families to do and weeeeeell maybe it wouldn’t be so bad afterall. Besides this was B’s first choice–the children’s hospital is one of the best in the nation, which makes it a great place to learn pediatric dentistry.

I remember walking into our house for the first time. I loved it. It felt like my dream home. In fact, I was sure that because I loved it so much there was no way we were actually going to get it. I called the Bishop of what is now our new ward. I spoke to the Bishop’s wife and told her who we were and that we were thinking of moving in to such and such house in such and such area…I wanted to know if this was a good area and if there were many members of the ward who lived here. Turns out that many young couples with young families lived in this area–just our luck! She said it was a great area and we’d probably love it. I came away from that conversation feeling confident that we had found our new house, in our new city. I felt at ease.

After we had made the move, it didn’t take long for me to really start liking the area. Like I said, lots for young families to do. And our new ward friends were great as well. Very warm and friendly… we were welcomed with open arms. Bracken and I each received new callings {see callings} in our new ward and I have to say we were both pleased that they were rather ‘easy’ callings that would not require too much time and energy on our part.

The summer continued. I got pregnant. I miscarried. Then fall was here. I absolutely loved the fall. Around early November I found out I was pregnant again. I wrote about that experience here. What I didn’t write about was that about 2 weeks after discovering I was pregnant and the Sunday before Thanksgiving, the Bishop called us into his office. He told me that he felt impressed that I was to be the new Relief Society President of our ward, and he extended the call. I’d like to say I felt immediate peace and comfort that this was the right calling at the right time and that I was prepared to accept. But that’s not how I felt. I had just found out I was pregnant again–which was wonderful and exciting, but if you know anything about how post partum treated me the first time around you’ll understand that I was also rather nervous–and here I was being asked to take on a much bigger role in our ward than I felt comfortable. We had barely been here 6 months and would only be here 18 months more. I hardly knew any of the sisters in our ward, let alone how to serve them. Probably the only thing that gave me comfort was the fact that the Bishop himself also thought it was crazy, but he knew it was what the Lord wanted. Neither of us could argue with that. I accepted, but I walked out of the Bishop’s office that day genuinely feeling shell shocked. Of course I also had a week to get him the name of my 2 counselors and a secretary–you know when I had time between cooking Thanksgiving dinner and entertaining my in-laws who were coming into town. No problem.

When I walked out of the Bishop’s office that day, one of the first people I saw was Sister Jones. She was my visiting teacher already, and someone that I had a lot in common with. More than that, I knew almost immediately that she was to be one of my counselors. What I didn’t know at the time, was that Sister Jones was also pregnant with her second child–just like me.

Once our presidency was solidified we went to work. Sister Jones and I, both being pregnant and about 2 months apart started planning for activities and meetings around our pregnancies. Someone other than Sister Jones would conduct RS on Sunday during May, when Sister Jones would have her baby. Then someone other than me would conduct in July, when I would have my baby We were both excited at our growing bellies and wondered how it would all be the second time around.

In early January Sister Jones had her 20 week ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. At first I didn’t really think about the fact I couldn’t get a hold of her that Friday or Saturday–I had left a few messages. Then I got her email. At the ultrasound appointment they found out that their baby had a fatal neurological disorder and would be born prematurely and would die. Devastating. My heart ached for Sister Jones and her little family. What could I do? What could I say? How would it be for her to remain in the presidency and watch my belly grow and watch my baby come in July, when hers would already be gone? It was a hard time for her and her family and of course she needed some space and time. A couple weeks later she sent another email letting friends know about the birth and subsequent death of their precious daughter. When she was ready, I went and saw her. We talked and cried a little. She shared her experience and it was bittersweet. Her little baby girl was perfect and they were grateful for the time they had with her. But of course, she would rather have her here. Of course.

I have to say Sister Jones bounced back faster than I expected. Not that she wasn’t and isn’t still grieving, but she was excited to get back to work in the presidency and after our first visit I was no longer worried that my pregnancy would be hard for her. I know that some days are better for her than others, but generally she has had a happy and positive disposition.

Now fast forward to the end of February–just a couple weeks ago. My family and I were preparing for a vacation with my in-laws to Florida. A week of Disney World and Disney Cruise fun. The princess and I were to leave on Sunday and the hubs would join us a couple days later. The Friday before our departure was our ultrasound appointment. We were excited–I could hardly wait to find out the sex of our new little babe. Since I really wanted another girl, I was sure we were going to have a boy. The Princess has thought that baby Lamp was a girl from the beginning. No surprise really, girls usually want more girls, and boys usually want more boys. I had asked Sister Jones if she would watch Princess for me after our appointment as I had some pre-vacation errands to run. We talked on the phone briefly before I went into the Dr’s. office. We have the same Dr. She told me to tell him hello and wished us luck.

To be honest, I was bracing myself for the slight disappointment I would feel if it was a boy. {Small disclaimer here: it’s not because I don’t want or like boys but I’ve really wanted little Beanie to have a sister. I just like the idea of siblings close in age being the same gender.} The other slight worry in the back of my mind was wondering if the baby was OK. I hadn’t felt the baby very much and I was a little concerned. However, right away we saw a heartbeat and the little body moving around. The technician said the spine, heart and body looked great so far. Phew! She continued on with the rest of the ultrasound. She wasn’t too chatty but when we finally got a glimpse of the goods we saw that the baby looked like a girl. Another surprise. After a while of measuring and looking she got up rather suddenly to leave. I said, Is that it? And she said, I’ll be right back. B and I looked at each other. That couldn’t be good. And it wasn’t.

When the Dr. came in he didn’t mince any words. Our baby was not developing normally. While the head, heart and major organs appeared to be fine, there are problems with the limbs. All of them. Certain bones are shortened, some misshapen and in some cases bones missing all together.

POW. Like a swift and sudden blow to the head we were taken off guard and left reeling. His words were coming out faster than I could wrap my mind around it and the tears were soon to follow. We left the office that day with more questions than answers, but one thing was certain–everything had changed in a split second. Gender was suddenly a non issue and our ideas of traditional parenthood went out the door.

The first 24 hours involved a lot of crying, head shaking and long looks of desperation. Saturday afternoon we made a phone call to secure a blessing for each of us. I hoped Sister Jones’ husband be willing to come and be part of our blessing. Although our situations are different, I couldn’t help but be drawn to another family who had been through something so similar, so recently. Brother Jones gladly came and the experience was sweet. I won’t give details about the blessings, only to say that we felt and continue to feel peace. While we wanted more answers as soon as possible, we decided to forge ahead with our vacation plans and face reality when we came home.

Last week was our vacation to Florida. It was great. Initially it had seemed like really bad timing to go on vacation after such devestating news, but it turned out to be great timing. We were able to put all our worries on the shelf and just enjoy our time together and with family–a definite blessing. I hardly thought about baby Lamp’s condition at all. It was a soul soothing trip. Now we’re back to reality. We still have tests and more questions than answers. Lamp’s abnormalities could be an indication of a fatal condition or purely a physical handicap. There might be mental and developmental delays, there might not. Death, life, mental and physical challenges, drastic life changes… everything is up in the air and nothing is definite.

Except, there are some definites… we can definitely see the Lord’s hand. From the people we’ve been surrounded with, like Sister Jones and her family, to the city we live in which just so happens to boast one of the nations top 10 children’s hospitals, we can certainly see the Lord’s gentle guidance during this difficult time. Certainly not all the puzzle pieces are fitting together nicely–we can’t see the end from the beginning. It’s day by day and step by step. While we feel peace, make no mistake–we are still struggling. Trials are difficult, especially when they directly involve your children. Even so, we firmly place our faith and trust in a loving and merciful Heavenly Father.

While I knew that I would blog about this eventually, it’s been quite the task deciding how much information to share and what to say. In some ways it’s strange to share such private information on the internet, but it’s also the easiest way to disseminate this information to friends and family on a large scale. Additionally, my blog has often been a great outlet for me in writing, as well as expressing thoughts, feelings, joys and frustrations. In the coming weeks and months I’m sure this new turn of events will become a predominant topic. We only ask that your comments be kind and non-judgmental. We know that many families with special needs children often feel incredibly blessed–but we are in the early stages of this experience and are still trying to wrap our heads around it all. Additionally, we certainly appreciate any and all prayers, but kindly ask that you refrain from speculation on any spiritual aspects on our situation. We will continue to seek peace and comfort from our Father in Heaven.

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